And all those significant events that just passed. Was going to write about them. But then I decide they're much too negative for me to bethink. Why jot it down in my timeline? I might as well bury it deep.
Grey clouds merge together.
The skies wrinkle, dropping down real fast.
I ducked, expecting the mass to collapse down on me.
For what seems like a moment succincted, I waited.
I carefully looked up.
My eyes leaped over their fears,
My heart sunk in surprise
The mind could not expound the occuring
It suddenly becomes cold.
Somehow I know I'm wrapped in warmth,
Yet a crisp of frost is felt on the tips of my fingers.
I like it.
I know I'm in comfort, but am still able to be aware of trouble around me.
Not fully vulnerable, not fully able to rest peacefully.
As strange as it is, there are some things in people you can't change.
Have you ever wanted to be someone? Like the someone you have in mind. How you want yourself to be. I don't necessarily mean an image of someone else you would like to be, but an image of yourself. An image of yourself doing the things you wished you could do, act the way you wish you could, look the way you wish you could, and so on.
And yes, I honestly do.
Or let's switch it around and say... you picture someone who you would never wanna be. An image of yourself that is least you. So you try to avoid that personality, behavior, look, and whatever you consider negative.
Don't people always have an idea of themselves? How they imagine themselves being a unique being, as individuals. Some people try hard to build up certain personalities, where the effort really shows. Maybe to other people, being that obvious means they don't seem to be themselves.
This is probably just a random thought coming from a person that is hard on changes like me.
Yes, most times, I hate changes. I don't really adapt easily. I am really quiet around people I don't know or any unfamiliar surrounding. It comes naturally. Either I'm afraid to speak and say the wrong things or the words simply just wouldn't come out. But other times, even when i'm around strangers, yet the condition seems enjoyable, I would speak out anything i have in mind. Literally anything there is.
This is probably why there are a lot of people who seem to misjudge me at first impressions. I'm not that good at revealing the person I really am. And I don't do so on purpose, clearly. Sometimes I really do wish I could be more of an easygoing person from scratch, so i wouldn't have to catch up with people's false presumptions. It's really weird you know. How strangers need to take time and dig hard to really get to know me or vice versa, yet those lucky people who settles easily around me could be amused by how open I really am. It's not fun not being able to pick who you want to open up to. It just happens, if it does, get it?
That is something I have been wanting to change about me. But whether I try or not, this personality is going to stay. Maybe in someways, it isn't that much of a disadvantage. I should find a way to use it and get through it without leading to an awkward cause.
I've always adored lots of different professions. I believe that the biggest motivation that leads to success in anything is how much you enjoy what you do. You know when you've got potential when you know you love or at least going to love what you're going to do.
As in for me, majoring in architecture, I've known from the very start that I would enjoy studying it. I just know, without having the slightest idea of what architects actually do. Well all I knew was, they design buildings. But later on I discovered; no, they don't. It's a lot more than that. They create spaces. That would mean it's definitely not only about design. In fact, it involves a lot more thinking and problem solving than design. How was I to know? Then after I put some thoughts to it, I realized I never had much desire to actually create buildings, I was only armed with my fondness of architecture these days. Was that enough? It sure was. Apparently, though I believe this is the right track for me, I come along with doubts of being an architect in the future, let alone the doubt of becoming anything else. All I know for now is, as long as I enjoy what I do, I'll get there. Wherever 'there' is.
Anyway, back to different professions. There are these certain dream jobs I've always pictured myself doing. Of course, considering my talents, knowledge and chances today, I don't see myself getting near those jobs anytime soon, or ever. Although, some are merely adorations to me.
1. National Geographic Photographer
I keep imagining how it'd be like travelling to awesome different places, giving good practice to my little eyes to open up to tiny little things that are least noticeable yet so interesting. Feeling the thrills up my spine when discovering new people, new culture, new creatures, and even 'new' history. Gawd, just writing this very bit of description feels so amazing. DAMMIT I'm talking about exploring the world, our earth, the planet, and everything in it here, lads!
If only I were as pretty. If only my height weren't such a threat. Taken pictures of at cool places and unique settings. Try out awesome outfits from different famous expensive designers and walk your heart out in them. Fly here and there. And you get to be famous. Though I'm not that fond of the famous part. I might be a Next Top Model watcher-victim. Dear me.
By the way, that explains it. Being a photographer and a model are just as awesome. I know.
I adore pilots. I mean the profession. I must feel incredible flying. You get to see all the land and water in a different perspective. Not forgetting the fluffy clouds you pass by. You get to see how great our land is from above. How I picture pilots take care of take offs and landings, dealing with all kinds of different buttons, ah that's so cool. Moreover, their uniforms makes them look so clean and so important. It just seems like such a high class job. And better yet, travel the world for free!! Haha. But I don't think I'd ever like to have a pilot as a husband. It's scary how they always leave you. And up til now, I still get a little paranoid at take offs and turbulences.
No, I cannot cook. Yet. But it seems fun to make dishes that taste good, experiment with different ingredients, and organize the plate's decoration. From baking to cooking. I mean, I always thought of cooking as a form of art. It seems like you need the passion and the creativity to make such dishes. Then it comes to owning your own store or restaurant. I know its ridiculous how I think of how much fun it'd be, yet I'm not any close to being eager to learn how to cook. At least not anytime soon. Oh yeah, and plus plus for chocolatiers!!! They get the best taste-testing ever!
6. Film Directors
I don't know much about filmery. But making movies always looked so interesting.
Another one of those jobs that I adore, yet never have I come across the thought of becoming one. I never wanted to be a doctor, the job that's highly favored especially in this darn country. The thought of me as a doctor scares me. I keep thinking of all the responsibilities I'd have to go through, and how someones life could lie in your hand. But I like how doctors look. They look so smart, clean, and from the point of view of a patient, doctors look like lifesavers. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either.
I don't dream of being an architect any more, honestly. It has become a reality to me somehow. I feel like I'm already being sucked in to the world of architecture. I just hope to get the best of it. I used to see architects as people who have great minds, merging shapes into something you can walk through and live in, making them look attractive, yet functional. Architectures today amaze me. The reason I wanted to take up architecture was I want to be one of those people who could actually create those awesome buildings someday, knowing I've never had the talent and ability to draw any form of building, ever, before.
When I was 10, I used to picture my dream house(es), and started by arranging rooms, certain areas, its circulation, and put it down on a piece of paper, looking like a house plan. But I couldn't really draw the exteriors. I've always been poor at drawing buildings other than houses that consists of a pyramid-shaped roof and it's boxed-shape body with a few windows and a wooden door. Then there would hang a swing on the tree nearby and wooden pencil-shaped fences. Let's say the typical houses a child would draw. Seriously, until nearly about a year before I entered architecture school. Talk about ridiculous, huh? Still around that age, I also enjoyed imagining all the clothes I'd like to wear, so I started drawing people wearing clothes I thought I designed and all. Oh my childhood was so full of imagination, I miss it so much. I'm just in lack of it now.
Anyway, I still don't think being an architect is the best job in this world, yet i hope and i think it might just be the right one for me. For now. And always have, actually. But I know I'm scared. I knew it would be a lot more complex than I thought, but... despite enjoying studying it, I don't know if I want it as bad. There I said it. But for now, it's all I have in mind and it's what's in front of me. Seriously, it's all I have in mind. I can't imagine myself doing anything else that's real and possible. I'm not the only one, am I?
Since my mind's way too stuffed to even think about assignments and it seems like such a silent empty night, writing a post won't hurt.
So where am I at now? It's really hard to describe, but i feel like I've been through this before. Another point in life where I'm sick of having to go through the same routines everyday. I've become so indolent and passive, making me more of a careless person. I used to panic a lot, and actually be concerned about things and would actually do something about it. Or as Harold Stephens says,
"There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem."
Great. As bad as it sounds, I am now only a 'worrier'.
But now, as careless as I get, I do still panic somehow, but I'd just let those feelings pass and beat themselves, while the obstacle still lies ahead. I guess the numbness came from how bad and unfortunate things keep coming to me, and might as well force me to get used to them. I need a jerk. A quick shock. Ah reality scares me for the moment. Help. Yeah, that's what I really need. But who would? I was thinking through all the wrong things I may have done, or was I simply to drag myself closer to God? I mean I haven't been drifting away that much. So why the hell am I feeling so lifeless?
Going over life, I realized it really is like a wheel. All the ups and downs all together. Being on the very top, to the very bottom. Loving, hating, forgiving, than back to loving. The pattern of hardwork, making decisions, then achievements. And there. The wheel keeps turning. Playing you. But i feel like no life has been so much more of a pattern than mine is. I could guess what would come up next on some occasions. But even so, I still come accross unwanted expectations that lead to disappointments. Wake up! I've been there, done that. But I would still get the same disappointments and all. Why do I even let myself accept that pattern? I want a change in every step of my life. Not having to rerun through the same pattern, whether it's in elementary or in college life. Other than that, luck seems to take sides. It picks on people. I had my fun ride last semester. I had everything in place, and everything was going well; good grades, good times. But this semester is very close to hell. My grades = chaos. Less free time. I come home less often. Less time to hang out with friends, which makes some of us not as close as we used to be. And you name it. May I sigh now?
Anyhow, the wheel has put me at the very bottom. And hell-o, I'm stuck down here, I just don't seem to be coming back up any time soon. It feels longer than it usually is. I would usually meet ease faster than this. The sunshine just doesn't seem to show up after the rain like it's supposed to, where it usually does, really. This restlessness is taking to long. So is this the part where the pattern is being broken? But why does the pattern stop at a such an awful part?
I want to be on top again. I want my carefree days back!
Oh what a gloomy post I'm creating. But nothing serves you better than writing your feelings out, is there? That's really what this blog is for, so... mind me not.
I miss writing. I really do. I'm putting all the drawing, college-related stuff aside. I don't want to talk about it. I've just had quite enough of them. You see, you can never get rid of architecture. They lie everywhere. Where I'm sitting right now and where you're currently standing at.
Anyway, like I said, I don't want to talk it out. How less I write in this blog, might show how less philosophic I've been. I feel like I don't have as much time to think things out while I observe things around me, like I used to. This is the umth-time I feel lost. Blank. Perhaps it's only because all I need is.. enough sleep. I'm not sure.
When it comes to managing time, i've been a lot organized though. I have to. This is a point in my life where I feel like literally 24 hours in a day is just not enough. I start something this hour, and the next thing I know it's already 24 hours later. My sleeping hours has turned downside up! It becomes okay if i weren't able to tell days apart. Time disoriented. Overwhelmed much.
See. I've lost my ability to write out my thoughts. I think I've been less critical lately. Oh good Lord, I need a vacation. I need surprises. Woken up by punches.
I cannot play with time. I cannot make it obey me.
Now, it feels like it is the one who's making me dance around with strings attached.