Since my mind's way too stuffed to even think about assignments and it seems like such a silent empty night, writing a post won't hurt.
So where am I at now? It's really hard to describe, but i feel like I've been through this before. Another point in life where I'm sick of having to go through the same routines everyday. I've become so indolent and passive, making me more of a careless person. I used to panic a lot, and actually be concerned about things and would actually do something about it. Or as Harold Stephens says,
"There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem."
Great. As bad as it sounds, I am now only a 'worrier'.
But now, as careless as I get, I do still panic somehow, but I'd just let those feelings pass and beat themselves, while the obstacle still lies ahead. I guess the numbness came from how bad and unfortunate things keep coming to me, and might as well force me to get used to them. I need a jerk. A quick shock. Ah reality scares me for the moment. Help. Yeah, that's what I really need. But who would? I was thinking through all the wrong things I may have done, or was I simply to drag myself closer to God? I mean I haven't been drifting away that much. So why the hell am I feeling so lifeless?
Going over life, I realized it really is like a wheel. All the ups and downs all together. Being on the very top, to the very bottom. Loving, hating, forgiving, than back to loving. The pattern of hardwork, making decisions, then achievements. And there. The wheel keeps turning. Playing you. But i feel like no life has been so much more of a pattern than mine is. I could guess what would come up next on some occasions. But even so, I still come accross unwanted expectations that lead to disappointments. Wake up! I've been there, done that. But I would still get the same disappointments and all. Why do I even let myself accept that pattern? I want a change in every step of my life. Not having to rerun through the same pattern, whether it's in elementary or in college life. Other than that, luck seems to take sides. It picks on people. I had my fun ride last semester. I had everything in place, and everything was going well; good grades, good times. But this semester is very close to hell. My grades = chaos. Less free time. I come home less often. Less time to hang out with friends, which makes some of us not as close as we used to be. And you name it. May I sigh now?
Anyhow, the wheel has put me at the very bottom. And hell-o, I'm stuck down here, I just don't seem to be coming back up any time soon. It feels longer than it usually is. I would usually meet ease faster than this. The sunshine just doesn't seem to show up after the rain like it's supposed to, where it usually does, really. This restlessness is taking to long. So is this the part where the pattern is being broken? But why does the pattern stop at a such an awful part?
I want to be on top again. I want my carefree days back!
Oh what a gloomy post I'm creating. But nothing serves you better than writing your feelings out, is there? That's really what this blog is for, so... mind me not.