Monday, February 23, 2009

Define Recent Ideation


Another post. My goals for today weren't fulfilled. Argh... I'm just not in the mood. I wish time could be extended, and it can go however i like it to go.. but it's reality maaaa'am.. and I'm getting tired of it. Today, writing my thoughts down seem to be the best way to let it all out. Writing... err typing. I don't wanna do anything else. Because today... I've discovered something. Yes another one of those things that won't stop rolling around my head. What the hell are you???? Let's say it's some object. Let's call it J. I don't know what it wants. I've been trying to figure it out for months and months.. but noooooo answer has come to me. Or maybe just when I thought I could make some theories on it... the next day things prove it wrong. The day after that, things begin to strenghten the theories I had 2 days before. The next, somehow my theories ought to be wrong. And it keeps going on like that over and over through the week, months... please don't let it reach a year. I wanna know what J wants and what J has in mind all this time. I'm tired of waiting for an explanation. Jeesh.. it's disturbing.

Other than that. I've discovered something else. It's a bit corny and stale though. I feel so loved lately. Haha. And I needed that for times like these. I'm tired of regular days that's been flipping through my life. Thinking through the same thoughts each day, related to the paragraph above. With friends or even people I know least in view, I feel so shielded.. nah that's not it... err.. fenced in by people who could think of me, who cares to make me laugh, and just to start a conversation when there's just nothing else to keep my mind distracted, once again, from things I've mentioned in the paragraph before.

To feel loved, I need to love. And that's what I've been trying to do to my friends. I try to be more patient to all and to forgive easily. Has it shown yet? I wanna treasure what the present has for me, because I recall I've cried about having this in days long ago. God listens, you know.

And one more thing. I need to control myseeeeeelf! I'm going too over on everything. When I get moody and pissed, I'd get too quiet and that keeps making people ask what's going on, when it's not that bad at all.. which means I normally go too hyper which isn't good either. I realize I can't stay somewhere in the middle.. and I want to. I want to be the someone that I'd like if I were someone else. Or... hmm how should I put it. I'd like to have in me the things I'd like to see in someone else. Get it? You better. So I don't care if they like it or not, I must like it myself first to apply it. That goes for every part of me. What I am, things I like, and things I say. It's gotta be like that from now on.

Of course, people have inspirations... but that doesn't mean it makes you be exactly like it is. It's just one of the pieces that help build you. Aside from friends which are your surroundings. Who your friends are affect you, I believe that. So I don't want to have friends from just one kind of circle, cause I don't want to be categorized absolutely. To me, having friends from different sides and edges, can construct and influence a... "me" for a whole new me, that you can't classify to any circle existed. I like to connect to different kinds of surroundings. Then I'd have different discussions, thoughts, and feelings over different ideas. That makes me happy. Varieties keep my thoughts and creativity going. So now's when you get the idea of "me". And do I have inspirations and muses? Plenty.


I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

This has been spinning in my head for over a week now... yay Rilo Kiley!

Monday, February 9, 2009

My Head's a Fishtank




It was only a glance
I started to observe
The unfamiliar cold in my nerve
began to spread and rush and prance

Still I couldn't define
What was in you or what you had
That kept me wondering, got me mad
Must've been catchy, must've shined

It had to be grand
In some way I can't put to sense
Though there's something my heart's against
Still, foreign whispers tell me you're a worthy brand

I stare at walls and shut windows
Blinded and locked too long in shadows
Your cons mean not a single thing
When one thing shows you're an adorable being
I forget the ugly and all the rest
Somehow you won't slip to second best

Even if you throw blades along with your words
Even if you ignore or pretend and act absurd
Or if you only put me as a crumb in your cookie
If I'd know you're trying to let me know I won't be lucky

And if right this second I wish I could hate you,
I wish I could've taken a careful look at the ground
So I wouldn't have fallen, fallen for you

I wish you weren't so amazing,
how's that sound?
Your smile's fire, fire blazing,
how's that sound?
Pictures of you in mind
Fantasy spins me round
When is it will you find
I care in such an amount

Will one day you'll do the same?
Or do I have to just keep my walk in shame?

I can see you smile
from all the way accross the sea
And I feel lifted for a while
Your voice is such an alert
A call for attention that hits me
I have response to blurt
But I guess, you'll never ask for it
Not from me

You make me enjoy this
Even if all I get is the same pace
The same things happen each day
all over again

You make me adjust to this
Just by seeing your bright face
You could simply make my day
then it's over again

I can't imagine myself stop
You're still what's on top
And you're not just for fun
The past insults you've done
Were easily washed away
By one single smile
How I wish for you to go away
But I'd have to wait a long while


Oh i so think my head's like a fishtank. With all the fishes swimming around in different directions - that would be my thoughts. Why have I been thinking too much about everything lately?
Anyway, Japri also inspired me somehow with all his song listings. Go J!