Sunday, December 19, 2010

In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.


the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.
the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
something expected; a thing looked forward to.
Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.
the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.

I've never been good dealing with this word. All my life I've been expecting things to happen, good or bad, without having the ability to hold or keep myself from doing it. No one can. Well what usually happens to me is good expectations never turn out the way I hoped for it to. On the other hand, bad expectations usually come out just the way I imagined it.

I mean, it's good having expectations for good things to happen. It makes you dwell in positivity. Could give you motivation and encourages you to do whatever, asuming good results will follow. I say bad expectations are alright as well. It makes you anticipate the worst. And no, I guess we can't help controlling them. Oh blame the conscience of us human.

I wonder though, perhaps we can somehow try to bound these expections. What I'm saying is, we often set our expectations too high, that we end up getting disappointed in the end. Like said before, we do this if things are most likely to happen, bur for some extrinsic reason, they just don't happen.. or happens in a way that totally differs from what you had in mind. Life don't always go your way, I've known that all along.
I've been going through this a lot of times before. And yes, I've always made a note to myself not to over-expect things because you know that when you do, it certainly won't happen. And yeah, it's always true. I keep pretending not to hear these little voices when I get high hopes for something. Then, getting the unwanted results just as (also) expected. But occasionally, when things turn out the way you want them to, I don't get all surprised and overjoyed. Instead I seem to be telling myself 'see.. toldya it would happen', and smile, and enjoy the content.

For those of you who know me, it's clear enough that I often panic too much. I easily get worried, which usually follows bad expectations. You see, it kinda irritates people and myself sometimes. So I need to manage this as well. Just... how is the question.

How do you deal with disappointments after such wishful pictures set in mind?

What Is Up With Expectations?
12/19/2010 05:32:00 PM

What Is Up With Expectations?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Hey, Dad. Happy birthday! I wish you all the very best and I love you :)

I am to inform you that I'm getting along with my life very well.
Only, well.. with little emptiness in between narrow gaps.
But i can cope with it. I hope.

Yet, I need an adventure.
I really do.

Older and Bolder
12/11/2010 10:49:00 PM

Older and Bolder

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Wait for it..
Things will eventually go your way, I guess.
Going on 2 months living life this way. I have to say it is becoming a new adventure.
So here's what the new world got to show.

So everyday's about the above. And well, plus these 24/7.

Eat, study, ..create.

And.. be all random and.. stupid.

They make things... even.
Between the stress and the fun :)

Or Was It a Culture Shock
10/09/2010 10:11:00 PM

Or Was It a Culture Shock

Saturday, September 4, 2010

You might have guessed it already: I've never been this busy my darn whole life! I had moved to Bandung and have stayed here for almost a month already. It feels like at least 3 months has gone by though. There's always at least one day in a week where I miss home, family, and high school buddies like hell. My new friends are my new family here. We eat together, we work on our assignments together, we count on each other for favours, and so on. But seriously, what would I be now without these new friends. But nothing beats your family at home. I miss Mom, Dad, Kania, and Sesha -- though my sisters might not miss me as much haha, but frankly.. I miss having their presence at home, even though I used to not interact with them that often anyway. They just simply give you the 'homey' vibe.

At first, I think I got pretty stressed out. I wasn't sleeping for 2 nights in a row, and this happens every week. Still going on, actually. I had to get used to it. So once in a short while, we'd just have to run from reality (assignments) and go out, take pictures or whatever. But in hours, we'd meet again to work on our assignments together. I tell you, however you need, or want sleep, you'd have to sacrifice that desire and FINISH your work. It's killing me, really. I've lost 4kg of weight.. not to mention the fasting. I felt like I was lifeless. I live just to stay awake every night, staring at rulers and it's millimeters, A3 and A2 papers, rapido pens, and pencils with different sized leads. Gah. Never in my life, had one millimeter been so important. I could redo the whole assignment if I drew a line a meter less than how long it should've been. No mercy. Deal with it. So far, I haven't done any assignment on my own. I'd always go to a friend's and work on it together. I don't think I can do any by myself. I mean.. it's the company that keeps you awake, although we'd be working on it on or own anyway once we meet at one place.

I'm (working on) getting used to all this. Try to make it seem as fun as possible. Because I could say that all we do for college is basically just.. draw. But the part that sucks is you'll never (easily) get any compliments for your work. It's almost impossible to get an A, for me. However neat or good enough you think you've done, there would always be someone better. But those people would get critiques as well. Artists or anyone who creates need compliments every once in a while for motivation and inspiration. Not just critiques for motivation, if you get it all the time it would just destruct you instead. What I mean is, sometimes the sacred hours of sleep I sacrificed isn't worth it. It could hurt.

Oh and about 2 weeks ago was my 18th birthday. Worst birthday ever. The assignments ruined my day. It didn't feel like my birthday. It didn't feel like a special day at all. And this time, I didn't have my parents beside me. Sad. Can I have a second 18th? :(

Okay, holidays. I'm going home in 3 daaaays! Something to absolutely (supposedly) be looking forward to. It's just that... we're still given a darn whole huge piles of assignments to take home. Okay millimeters, we'll still be meeting in Jakarta. Just great. I'm tired (already). But this, is stil going for at least 4 more years, darling. Wish me all the luck you can give. Seriously, this time.

~pictures might come up soon. just maybe. if i ever find another free time.

Harsh New World
9/04/2010 10:02:00 AM

Harsh New World

Friday, May 21, 2010

I believe this is pretty much my first piece of acrylic painting done on canvas. Not done with paintbrush for the most part of the swan.

Trumpet of the Swan
5/21/2010 07:37:00 PM

Trumpet of the Swan

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Have I mentioned? I officially graduated from highschool! Well technically.. the graduation ceremony is all that's left. Average score's 8 point something. Physics ruins it all. Could've gotten a better total score.. but HEY I swear i did it with honesty. And when I look back, gee I must say how frightened I was because I thought I didn't do all that well in physics.

Honestly, screw me for running out of inspiration to write, and my lack of vocabulary usage. My posts might start to bore you. I was skimming through my older posts. I conclude that this blog is mostly about how I feel about the world and the things around me. Again, about how I feel about them, not about them. So it's never meant to attract people to read it. But of course, it'd feel good to know that someone else in this world could feel the same way I do about those things I write about, and if they could simply give me solutions to my complaints. Comments do delight me. But hey I don't expect them much. Just like twitter. I don't tweet to get replies and RT'S (unless a twit is actually addressed to someone specific). I don't tweet to get attention. I tweet to practically express thoughts and feelings. Well not like anybody else actually does the opposite. haha.

Anyhow... stickin' to the topic. Since I'm leaving highschool, I thought it'd be a treat to this blog if I write what my highschool years mean to me. No, not gonna go through all the drama. Let's put it this way.. hmm how about I list what the past 3 years have taught me. According to me, from my point of view. Damn I learned a lot! It woke me up and told me that I'm actually living. Don't read this list. A reminder before the ride: this is one of the posts that will bore you (like anyone would read this). This is a note to myself. A reminder for the near future, so I don't forget I opened all the shut windows............ in high school.

1. I learned that you will eventually get the best friends there are, over time. No matter how lonely you started out. Did you really think it was impossible to talk to them? ha. ha. Or maybe you're the one laughing at them now. (haha nothing particular.. )

2. I learned to willingly go through the obstacles while keeping in mind that soon all of it will end and the next thing i know is that i've gone through that... with pride and you could say with ease after all.

3. I learned that no obstacle is too hard to overcome.

4. Oh, don't forget this. I learn to agree on this quote "beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So if you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will" I think this might be quote of the year. Or a good one to hold on to throughout HS.

5. I learned that the friendship kind of love could make you just as jealous, just as vulnerable, just as secure, just as happy as love love. But it's always the most worth fighting for.

6. I learned that being a best friend means so much more than having a best friend. It feels so much greater than having a friend.

7. I learned to take those public transportation (haha). The Bajaj, Metromini, Busway. But the angkot is just average already.

8. I learned to respect different kinds of music. And other tastes too I guess.

9. I learned that EVERYTHING has a purpose. All that's happened to you, all that's.... there. Good or bad.

10. I learned that it really is true how they say that no dream is impossible!

11. I learned that honesty, confidence, positivity, endeavor, and getting close to God will all equal to success followed by pride. Oh yes, honey.. must have them all together to make that dream reachable. Still unreachable? Then believe in fate. Keep lookin' for other ways to get there! (okay, some of you may question the honesty part.. but i said with pride)

12. I learned that rejections, exclusion and fights don't always create gaps, in fact they can actually build up better relationships and fix those bad people. They could lead to an advantage.

13. I learned that those people in movies are certainly derived from real life. Those absolute bookworms, those geniuses, those nerds who get bullied, those backstabbers, those brave liars, those kleptos, giving average examples here, but you know what I mean, I used to come across better ones.

14. I learned that just because a person seems to be more successful then you are doesn't mean they're smarter than you, and the so goes the other way around, just because they seem to be more clever doesn't mean that they have more possibilities to succeed.

15. I learned that money is valuable, and hard to earn.

16. I learned that people around me do change. Just be prepared for the new influence and what might effect you.. while they could change anytime and drastically. What may seem I'm the only one that doesn't change and watching them change. I realize I change too.. it's just that I don't go along with their changes, the ends just don't meet.

17. I learned to forgive. No use after all, jibbering about others' fault, as long as they got over it and don't repeat, and... don't bug you anymore.

18. I learned anything (like things in movies) could happen to anyone, anytime, unexpectedly. Car accidents, failure, rejection, ...death.

19. I learned to believe that whatever you fear most has no power over you, it is the fear that has the power.

20. I learned to let go of the past and bad things that had happened. Loss, good times, goodbyes, any other kinds of problems.

21. I definitely learned that academic achievement is the best kind of joy!

22. I learned that when you have no one left to to turn to.. there's always God. Don't let him be the last to lean on, when you know he's always there for you!

23. I learned to plan things ahead of me rather than spontaneously wait to find treats along the road. Trust me, this makes things a lot easier. Get organized, dude!

24. I learned how most things you learned in elementary are all too standard and covered up with lies. They've just started to actually teach you things in high school. Seriously. Or.. back then they just tell you that things happen. But in highschool they tell you how things happen, how they work. Isn't that what we all need to know? I mean who needs to know that things happen or exist? We can simply SEE things, but all we want to know is why and how. You'll realize that they just made a fool of you in elementary. No, don't say 'gee.. that's okay we were just kids, we deserved that' . Nope, won't take it.

25. I learned to persevere... and survive a whole day studying and get over with the weariness. I kept saying 'oh i can make it.. 2 more hours until i get home!' and it was 9 pm. I got used to staying up late. That's why I'm friends with these dark undereyes. Practice for Arch school. yeah, that's what they tell me


ahh I'm too tired. you know there's more. I'll continue tomorrow. Ain't saving this as a draft, I'd like to publish it as it is. 'll update it sometime soon. night.
List of..
5/08/2010 08:39:00 PM

List of..

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Often times, I come accross names that strike me and get me to think. Could be on facebook, on my messenger’s contact list, and anywhere else you name it. And what just might that thought be?
I would find myself thinking,..
Man how are they doing?
I used to sleepover at her house so often. We used to hang out together. We used to fight over silly things then make up and laugh about it. We used to talk about the universe all through the night. She was the one who dyed my hair red, and made me smile, knowing no one could’ve done it better. We used to like the same guy, but stayed as best friends. They were the ones who I always go to my favorite park with. I used to have a little crush on him, and he secretly did too, we fought a lot and would always regret it afterwards. We used to send each other letters & postcards without considering the distance between us. He used to tell me all his problems, his love life, and had always come to me to ask for encouragements and solutions. He was the one who would listen to me and give me encouragements and solutions, and that would always be there when I needed company. They were the ones who would cry with me and laugh along with me. She used to phone me everyday and talk about anything at all. They used to put their arms around me and said ‘You are my best friend.. forever’.
Surely, the list will go on forever.
It’s so sad that they’re all only used to’s.
And what sentence would most likely come after that?
But now…
But that was before…
But then…
But it was because of…
But we were young…

Some of them might have stayed ‘the same’ like as your best friend for instance. Well according to my experience, the tag would remain.. but in reality, they do change, how they’re behavior gradually changes, how they treat you would slightly change. Perhaps some of you don’t notice it, some pretend they don’t feel or see the changes for the sake of how bad you want to keep their position as how it is, and some might see it in an obvious way and start to frown and begin to reminisce what you had.

The most common thing that causes the changes to relationships is separation. And the causes of separation are time, distance, and new environment & influences.
I hate having to start over again. Once there’s separation, that would mean I have a new place to adapt to and hang tough to find new people to replace the ones I had, even though I know there wouldn’t be any to suit as such replacements. It is a sad thing knowing I will be going through that (for the umth-time in my life) any time soon while I also know the unborn group of friends of mine will have to part some time in the end. Then you’ll watch the same cycle spin around you all over again.

So you find precious friends, and they end up being not as precious in the end. You call them your best friend. Then you will call someone new a ‘best friend’ in the future. In formal English, or any other language apparently, there are no such things as two ‘best’s.. there’s only best and second best. As I have mentioned, you might name them your best friend forever, but as you create distance, you will eventually change the reality and the actual meaning of the position as so-you-call your bestfriend.

But there’s nothing wrong with still hoping your current favorite people will stay as they are and will stil do their duties as your best friend. That’s okay, it comes naturally I guess.
These days, I’ve been looking at the faces whom I see everyday and who are always on my side. After a talk, a laugh, or just warm silence, I would stare into their eyes, glance at their faces and wonder if they’d do or be the same as the friends I had in my past. Will they change that much? Then I would stare into their eyes and beg in mind for them not to change and that we could have that moment we’re having again in the future. Meanwhile, I must keep in mind to enjoy every moment and avoid complaining however shitty things get. I’ve been complaining a lot lately, please do remind me to cut it out.

Time can be evil.

There's No Such Thing as Best
4/08/2010 07:05:00 PM

There's No Such Thing as Best

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Oh yes.... finally all the freakin' things that have been taking my life away from me are (almost) done. All there is for me to do is wait for a couple of announcements and the school final exam. Now I can sigh my lung out! Anyway, I haven't been posting since forever, but if any of you follow my tumblr, you can see that I've been updating it more often than this blog right here (although most of them are just reblogs). Maybe I'd still come back once in a while to write my deep thoughts here. But really, since I've just stepped out of my monotone days, there's no story to share. Well, we'll have to see what comes ahead of me. I'll be in college in a couple of months, and I'll be moving to Bandung. That should make it quite a new adventure, ey?

I was thinking that a touch of random colors would be nice to celebrate my comeback ;)

Back On the Ground
4/03/2010 10:11:00 PM

Back On the Ground

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I wasn't gonna write about it.. but it's still buzzing in my mind. I still can't imagine how it'd be losing the people I love in one blink. You see, I used to put it this way; the script in movies are always made up.. sometimes they get too exaggerated -- and yes, I used to think those explosions in action films and those cliche romance, are average things that happen in every movie.. and aren't things that they take up from reality (not exactly unlikely to happen in real life but you know when you find those movie-trademark acts).

I used to think of death that way. Death used to be so far from my surrounding up until my grandparents' death and my uncle's lethal sickness. It all becomes so real now. Furthermore, having to hear what had happened to my close friends last night, I take back my theory about movies. So they do apply to real life, like they literally happen, mostly taken from actual happenings.

I begin to believe more that death happens. Anytime God wants it to. How ever you think it probably won't anytime soon. But we have to face the fact, it happens.

The phone call I got last night gave me a sudden shock. They got in an accident. A serious car crash. Come to think of how their car could land upside down, I panicked. All those movie scenes came dashing through my mind (frankly, that was what I had in mind). It's hard for me to say this, but it was a near-death experience. They could've died just like that. So I THANK GOD they're still given the chance to live. I don't know how else I can describe this. I won't feel collected until I see them (which until now I haven't). Until I meet them.

That was one other instance to make me realize life isn't that static after all. Sometimes we do have to go through explosions, saving others life from fire, some corny romance, and typical high school dramas. Even the wildest things could happen to anyone of us. Maybe we are playing in a movie. A movie where we don't know the plot and what happens ahead of us. Have you ever thought of it that way?

Another lesson I've learned is that we have to be thankful for whatever chance we're given. Even the smallest chances. You never know what fate brings. You never now when you'll fall. And most of all, be thankful for the life you're given. No matter how things go wrong.. know there's always someone who goes through worse times, even though there are also a lot of people who seem to own a better life. I tell you, sometimes those people also come across the thought of how they're life isn't the best, they do feel somewhere in the middle too sometimes. I hope you do believe in Nobody's perfect.

Don't waste your tears! Smile while you can. Tell people you love them, while you can. Make your parents proud while you can. Apologize to ones you've hurt while you can. You name it, the list can go on forever. But the one thing that's got to be written is: Enjoy every single second of life... while you can!

Treasure Your Life
1/24/2010 09:11:00 PM

Treasure Your Life

Saturday, January 2, 2010

How was your first day of January this year? Well, I don't usually bring up typical, average new year wishes and share about how I celebrated it. And really, I don't usually come up with resolutions on new years. Tried it a couple times, but I always end up forgetting about 'em already by the 2nd week of January.

Well for short, I did have a fun countdown with my friends. But I must say, I feel like the vibe of new year seems to fade out more each year. Oh yes, it's something to be thankful for.. how we're given another year to live (hopefully if it lasts).. but this year I came across the thought of how it's just another year, back to January, and that the next day would still be friday. I don't mean to be a grouch, and it's sad to know I came across that feeling. But hey, it must've crossed my mind for only a blink. However, like anyone else, I do hope 2010 will be better than last year. And not like any of the past years, this year I do have plenty of wishes and expectations. I hope for all the success and the accomplishments throughout the couple last months of 12th grade.

I want to be more of an eager person, I want to get into all the best universities I have applied to, and simply pass all kinds of exams with fulfilling results. That, of course, is the top of my stack of wishes.

I guess that's all for my first post this year. I do wish you a happy 2010! :)

It isn't new, it's just back to start
1/02/2010 08:34:00 PM

It isn't new, it's just back to start