So what's the dilly here? And no, I'm not yet awake. And I so do think that I will be stuck in this hibernation until the end of the school year. Or not even so. Let's put it until I start college. I feel so lost. I think I might have left myself somewhere. I think I might've got stuck somewhere. Where am I, really? Could you remind me again?
This last year of school seems to snatch my life away from me. 12th grade. Meaningful big number. It doesn't matter when, where, or what I do.. the thought of being a 12th grader won't get lost. I'm haunted by the fact that I'm facing the national examination soon and having these few unstable choices on where to go after graduating. Plus having one parent so focused on a certain hard-to-get university and the other suggesting to study abroad. Seriously, it can gradually become some kinda pressure.
No, I'm not stressed. Yet.
It's just irritating how I find myself losing fun and what there actually is to do in a good life. Never mind, that's not the part that bugs me. I still have time to enjoy going to places, hang out, and not give a damn about studying. But everytime I take those chances, they become guilty pleasures. That's what's irritating. It's like I'm instinctively constantly reminded I have to get some work done, and how it would be so much better if I had been studying instead, and how I would regret not using my free time wisely in the near (or not) future. I do hope my hard work will sum up to something that's worth it someday.
I know it's just the start. There' are no frequent tests that I'm facing yet (except for the upcoming mid-semester, which isn't anything frequent). But I'm the kind of person who easily panics. I tell you, that's so uncomfortable. Especially knowing all your weaknesses and worrying about them before you do anything to fix 'em and make yourself stronger. Oh i wish I could just find a way to calm myself. To me, any form of the future just feels so close, and it's like I have so little time to prepare. They come too fast, which makes me want to suck myself back to the past most times.
And here's how my desk looks like, studying goddamn biology. Bio is my favorite subject. But not today. We're dealing with a dreadful chapter. *Eukh*
So Where Has She Been?
9/29/2009 09:45:00 PM