It was a Tuesday morning. My mom was still in Surabaya. I wasn't fully willing to go to school, cause as always, this head stays as a sleephead, but at 6 am, I arrived at school. Half an hour later the daily melody played (no it wasn't a bell) and first block started; biology. The teacher didn't come to class to teach, but to leave. She gave the class an assignment, which kinda meant free time. So I was sitting there on my stool, wishing my seagreen cardigan were thicker, and didn't dare to move to do the assignment, yet. But I thought if i got it done fast, than i could take little nap after. So I got out a piece of paper and was about to start, but I realized I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do. I found others waiting for the smart kiddos to finish, so that they'll look at those and copy. So I thought I might as well do the same. Hell no I was in no mood.
Soooo as I was waiting, I checked my phone, 2 missed calls from Daddy. This past week I was always frightened to open messages or to pick up calls from a family member. I wanted to avoid receiving the bad news. Anyway, 2 calls from Dad? It must be some important thing. So I texted him and asked why he called.
My phone vibrated. And I opened the message. There.. The bad news I've been unwantingly expected. I couldn't bear to read it more than once. It said that my Grandma (mom's mom) died, and that my dad's going to Surabaya.
Why, could I stand being at school the whole day ? Hell no... I wanted to come too. I've been wanting to go there and meet my grandma. She'd been in the hospital for over a week, and it didn't sound like she was gonna get any better. So I thought I wanted to see her just one last time before she goes. And now look, I wasn't able to do that. That's the saddest part.
My dad says if I wanted to go with, I had to take a taxi home. So I did. Once I got home, I only had time to change, and all my bags were already packed by my sister. So then my dad, my sisters and I took off.
Once we reached Surabaya we took a taxi to my Grandparents'. We were told to go inside the house right away, before getting to do anything else. In the living room, I saw the body. I stepped closer and saw her face, right at that point I felt myself the weakest. I dropped myself and kneeled beside her and burst into tears. I couldn't believe that it was HER laying in front of me. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to say I loved her back enough, oh how I wished I could wake her up. Memories of her flashed through my mind like lightning, just all the things I could remember right that moment. I hurts, yes still hurts as I write this. I've cried when she was still tied to bed in 3 different hospitals, suffering from pain. And now? I still can't believe the worst just happened. Still crying beside her, I held my dad's arm as tight as ever. And they started carrying her to the cemetery, ready for burial. And yes, I had to watch the whole process. It was the first time for me, ever. And in that next moment, I still couldn't believe that it's that dear loving grandmother of mine, who passed away, or at that time, being burried. I spent 3 days in Surabaya. And for the rest of my time there, everytime I start the day, I ask myself again why I was there, and each time I answer myself, I still couldn't believe it. Any of it. But I knew I wasn't dreaming, the things that happened before me were all a part of reality.
Eyang Ti, so I call my grandma, couldn't be anymore caring and loving to all her grandchildren. She was a big lady, if you see what I mean, and she was really huggable to me when I was a little kid. I only come to Surabaya once a year.. well maybe twice.. and everytime I go there my allergies takes over. And she'd give me my medicine, such as eyedrops, weird eardrops and all those weird things. The last couple years she had started walking with a cane, and even so.. everytime I come to her place, she'd generously make food for me, and no, I didn't ask for it.
When my mom calls her from Jakarta, I'd talk to her too. She'd always alwaaays give me advice. She'd always tell me to do good in school, to stay healthy, and my favorite was.. to reach all my academic dreams, and she'd say she knows that I'd get into any major I wanted. When she says things like that, whatever it is I wanted always came true; getting into the highschool I wanted, getting into IPA and a lot more. When I heard her say that right after any pessimistic thoughts I got, I'd feel so positive in anything I was doing, even when it seemed so impossible to me before. But now the most supportive person I've ever known isn't there anymore. Just how broken it makes me feel. Oh yea, even on her birthday, when my mom called. I was supposed to be the one wishing her all the good things, to get well soon and all (I did). But she took over most of the time on the line to wish me the usual things she'd wish on a normal phone call. That just showed how much she really cared, and I feel like I couldn't show as much care and love as I was supposed to.
But thinking positively, this might be better for her, and she might deserve all this, instead of laying in bed with all kinds of illness for yeaaarrss. She can smile til forever now :)
I'll always pray for you grandma, I love you, I'm sorry I never got to show that as much as you've showed me. A fling of regret hits me, but as they say.. regrets in cases like these are useless and meaningless. Rest in peace, Yang! :')
I Saw Warmth Through Those Wrinkles
3/28/2009 02:37:00 PM