Saturday, August 22, 2015




I am human.
Even so, to me, it is the most incomprehensible concept.
Yes, I’m referring to us, human beings.
Isn’t it funny how we are what it is, but we can never fully understand how we got here, this time and place.
We never know how these feelings work and why they’re there.
What do we live for?
We reach a certain age, and feel like it’s the perfect time to decide our very own purpose. The purpose of existing. How we love, what we do, and who we surround  ourselves with. But then lies the hardest question, one you can rarely give a concrete answer to: Why.

I don’t play God.
But sometimes, I want to walk in other’s shoes so bad, I get overwhelmed with the idea. I get so curious about how they feel.
But other times, I can’t even justify my own thoughts.
I can’t tell if I would like to figure out more about my feelings than theirs or vice versa.
Because I can’t tell if it’s me against the universe, or is the content of this universe too diverse, that I appear to be just another unique speck of dust that isn’t the only one with such feelings and wonders.
Sometimes I get mad at myself. I feel so left out, not able to think and feel the way majority in our society does. It might not sound like a big deal, but when it happens recurringly, it gets to you every moment.

For instance, you genuinely give with all good intentions but end up not being appreciated. And then you wonder, what was so wrong about giving? Or did I just choose the wrong moment to give? And of course, any right mind wouldn’t make a sense out of those questions. But that could be an impact of a simple, overlooked response.

The same idea could go with any other good deeds. But why do you expect so much back? It doesn’t have to be because you’re hoping for something in return, in material. It isn’t exactly because you want to hear an applause. And it shouldn’t be because you seek for attention. It is probably just expectation’s doing. One of human’s biggest struggle. You don’t choose what to expect. You don’t even get to choose to not expect. I have written about expectation before, but I guess this.. is more about the different ways people think that lead us to those expectations.

Just because we feel one way doesn’t mean others feel the same, no matter how illogical it may seem. Just because we have an opinion on one thing, doesn’t mean others would have the same perspective you do. Even times when people actually feel and think the way you do, won’t exactly mean they will do the same things you would. They just don’t. I’m not going to tell you to not expect, because once again, we’re human and that is just one of the many struggles we’re stuck with. I can only tell you to try to remember that people will only feel and think differently.

I don’t play God, but if anybody could, I’m sure they’d play by making people feel the way they think they should feel. Which would lead them to do what others would want them to do. And that is when chaos happens.



Good day. Keep giving.





Where's the Applause?
8/22/2015 09:55:00 AM

Where's the Applause?

Friday, July 24, 2015

 




Happy memories keep clinging,
I try to balance it with all the sad thoughts, all the things that could make me hate;
The thousands I know I could list forty days ago.
I’m amazed to find myself digging
and couldn’t name any, nothing I could state.
I couldn’t make any sense out of letting go.


Disoriented. Came these thoughts that keep us away from sanity.
Was it nothing that we had to but wanted to do?
Or was it in fact something we thought we wanted and thought we had to do, but was actually something we never needed to do?










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The Cling
7/24/2015 03:48:00 PM

The Cling

Sunday, June 14, 2015






You laid out a smile for the world to see
Hoping it would reach souls sincerely

You stare at unfortunate individuals
Picturing yourself in their shoes and rituals

You observe other beings around you
Guessing and supposing their life issues

You try to tell yourself you’re not alone
But only to find you’re lonely and just lost your throne

The constant battle in your head
The phrases no one actually said

The lack of confidence and the misunderstanding
The blame, the emotions and the self demanding

The negative impressions and the silent yelling
The wrong expectations and the storytelling

It is you, it is all you.
You eat up what you thought you’d be happy with
Like the black lady spider and the say of ancient myth

It is you, it is all you.
No wonder no one understood you and keep walking by
You sit busily thinking so hard, you thought you had tried

No one could see through your skin.
No one will ever let you win.

As long as you contain the war in you,
You’ll stay invisible and blue.

No wonder you’re so angry all the time
No wonder you’re always left behind

Stop feeling so unloved, worthless and worried
For that noun never made sense in all of history

You’ll  be fine.
You’ll meet another kind.
Another Kind
6/14/2015 11:38:00 AM

Another Kind

Thursday, May 14, 2015







Through the looking glass, they watched her. She was broken for a while. Oh, they sure know all the sequence.

It started out in a night so cold, always the perfect medium for an exchanging of words like such; a dialogue of two opposing ideas and impressions. Two that will never blend. Almost like the diversity in rationality between science and religion. Neither parties had a clue of why they even started their story, if only they knew it would eventually end in such a way. But they were both humans. Irrational in some cases. They take a chance on everything. But perhaps they are always forgiven for taking a chance on love. It is the ultimate thing they actually ever live by anyway.

The young lady took a step out of the vehicle. She entered her room to find herself stuck with her wonders and questions until only God knows when. Poor little one. In daytime, she would seek for love and something in contrary with the negative  beliefs and speculations she would run through at the end of the day.  She was hungry for comfort. She was never alone, but would always feel solitude when dawn took place. She would then be impatiently waiting for the day to turn and see the coming daylight. Even though the pressure on her eventually diminished, she knew she would never have her logics as straight as it should until she found the rational answers she wanted.

Up here, they knew she needed a hand. As much as she tried, she still couldn’t find any down there on earth. So out of the two watchers, the one with the highest reign up here sent the other watcher down to get her out of her very own limbo. A place she owns that can only be seen by herself and the ones up here.

+++


She started to feel like someone was always watching her. At the canteen, out on the streets when crossing the road, at places where she hangs out with her fellow humans. The oddness never really bothered her until one day, her eyes met the watcher’s. She would usually look away when getting caught in such situations. But for that one moment, she was willing to study his stare. It was fierce, but it wasn’t mean. He wasn’t smiling, but it was warm. It was sharp, but she felt nothing was cutting through her. It was probably someone she once met, but he was just up to the primary level of acquaintance; never crossed her mind after their one and only encounter.

It turns out he was someone known by one of her close friends. The next thing she knows, introductions and small talks occurred all over again. She thought it was either deja vu, or both of them probably forgot they’ve passed by each other a few times. But he knew it wasn’t anything like that. He had just jumped in the scene, embodied a vague memory, familiar enough to gain her acceptance as someone she’d like to let in. It was really, just for the sake of protecting her and guiding her until she gets it right.

He started doing his job. Day by day, she started feeling that comfort. She felt protection. She started observing the two sides on everything. She discovered that a tremendous wreck could have a side so luxurious and beautiful but is only available to those who wanted to look beyond. She learned what patience really meant. She became an expert in dancing. She started to dance to everything that made her happy. Since everything was in the form of justice, equality, and happiness up here, that was probably the things the watcher instinctively portrayed to her. Because of that, she started noticing one thing she hadn’t seen in a long time. Sincerity. It was always there. There on his face, in his touch and in his words. It shone so bright every time she was with him, that she couldn’t help her curiosity. She wanted more of him. She knew there was something more about him she did not know. She knew he wasn’t the kind to lie, or to hide anything from her, but she felt like there was something she was meant to discover herself.

Little did she know, that curiosity she went through, was the human’s definition of love. Love was curiosity followed by care and the need of giving and receiving comfort. She fell right through without realizing it at first. The watcher couldn’t have known better. But as all the gold he is, he’s never been through the experience. He hadn’t anticipate the danger of coming into their world. He was in confusion. He was either too focused on his mission or… probably got carried away.

The human ways started to affect him. He too, was learning why some worldly things became very enjoyable to the people. He started being curious himself. Her curiosity was contagious, and he sunk into it more every day. Quicksand. He was having fun. She felt less protected but it was fine as long as he was there. All he needed to be was there. But the more he looked like he was learning new things that should be fundamentals, she started assuming that he was not one of her kind. He was something else. Absolutely too good to be alive anywhere around her. He was humanly stupid. But she liked that in some way. Perhaps she liked how he was so different, yet so understanding and so giving, both in terms of compassion and knowledge. She then realized it wasn’t love that took over at the first place. She then realized he was just someone that needed to be there for her, to wake her and shake things off for her to continue a life with true meaning. And she just had to be the one to find him. Out of anybody she could meet, she just had to lock her eyes with his once upon a day. They were brought together for something. But did the other Watcher planned for this to happen? How in the end, he made her very needy of him? How in the end, he had to fall off track and got a taste of her ways of doing? How in the end, they had fallen for the pleasure of friction?

But when they were busy figuring things out for themselves, it was time. The span of duty was on its verge and they let things slip without warning. They were too busy in confusion, that they forgot every living thing is based upon time.  Time start things, ruin things, heal things, and of course, stop things.. even their story. Though she came out of the regimen bold, strong, wiser and more resourceful, she wasn’t prepared for a goodbye. Neither of them were.

Their eyes met for the last time, but right then, she looked away. He kept staring as if trying to suck up memories from her to keep for himself as he never had such experiences. This time, it was fierce and wasn’t quite friendly. He wasn’t smiling, and his eyes were cold and glazy. His stare was sharp, as if he was shooting arrows her way. But as for her, it was good that her eyes remained far from his way, for then she could be beat by those blades.

+++

He didn’t come for no reason. She didn’t want to take all the things he gave to her for granted. So, she started to do as practiced. She let her heart grow big and forgave. She looked beyond the unfavorable matters and tried to smile. She was like the moon who began to  appreciate the presence of the sun and the stars. She was like a child who was eager to touch everything around her. It became her delight to express feelings and ideas. She kept a little piece of grief, but she didn’t let it get in her way. She smiled as she looks at the luxurious side of memories and became grateful.





The March
5/14/2015 06:22:00 PM

The March