I had a dream last night.

It was just as strange as the most interesting dreams of mine have been.

I don’t really know how to feel about it.

I wasn’t necessarily frightened.

I wasn’t excited either.

I was probably sort of curious.

---

I was standing in line, along with my family. My parents were ahead, followed by me, then my little sisters. It was a long line. It seemed like the entire world was queueing for something big. It felt like judgement day. Just because when I look around, I didn’t see the world I know. We were in a place where everything around us was blurry, in tones of blue and green. The only clear vision we could get a hold of was the faces of the people, up to 15 steps from where you stand. In the middle of a wide blurry galaxy, we stood in a line on a long platform, black and shiny, almost a meter in width. That was all. An infinite railing-less bridge cutting through a sea green galaxy. Nothing felt real. But somehow, I just know it wasn’t judgement day.

Somehow we were told that when we get to the front of the line, we were to choose between two things. The queue took the whole day. Well, we didn’t actually know how long it went on because we could see the change of day. We didn’t know where the sun was, or if the moon was out there watching us. We couldn’t tell time. We were confused, me and my sisters, everybody, but no one really talked about it to each other. Instead we talked about other things, that make us happy. It was like we know we were supposed to do this, but no one really knew what we were actually up to.

As I was getting a conversation going with my two sisters, it was finally our turn. Wait. But where did mom and dad go? We didn’t pay attention to what was happening in front of us. We were told to choose. The turn was for the three of us all at once, but we could choose to our own liking. 

They were lists. On my left side, the list consists of circumstances, which I conclude was ‘to live in the world you have known’. In this world, you will meet all the happiness earthly things can bring. You’re allowed to drink all you want. You’re allowed to love anyone you want. But you are going to go through pain, heartbreaks, and loss. But somehow they assured us that those pain will be pleasure, not like the ones you know from where we came from. Yes, you’re allowed to do anything you want, any sin you have known to be pleasurable, and will not be considered as sinning. There’s war and there’s peace. But both will seem just as convenient. What a great offer right? It’s as if it was a brainwash. Like here’s to the world without sin, but you’d have to live it all over again.

On my right, there was also a list, printed on white background. It had a simpler layout. But nothing on the list was familiar. It promised us a place of happines and full of content. It didn’t mention the specific features, but I could sense peace right then. We were told though, that we’ve never gone through any of what was going to be given there. We are to obey and follow some regulation, but was assured that they were doable as long as we’re in peace. It sounded more beautiful to me, although it was so abstract. It was tempting for me. The only thing they ever mentioned was basically about gaining an eternal peaceful state of mind.

Suddenly, before I could choose, I thought about my mother. What did she choose? I thought about my father, would he rather go with the first option? So I asked them. I don’t know who they were but I couldn’t exactly remember seeing them there. What did my parent choose? Can I just go whereever they went? But I was told that this was an independent individualistic decision to make. I started to get scared. What are these two places?

Then they told us that we were to choose between two worlds. We are going to start a new life, with a different family, surrounded by people we’ve never seen. We could live again from zero. So then, the family we once knew wouldn’t matter anymore. They’d be erased from our memories once we enter our new worlds. Nothing will feel familiar, because we would forget that we have lived a  life before this. 

I stood in disbelief. I knew right away what I was heading for. I wanted to know more about the world on my right. I looked at my sisters. Their eyes were wet and I hoped so much for them to make the same choice as I would. I lost my parents somewhere in one of those worlds. I was not ready to lose them too, although I know I wouldn’t recognize them once we’re in the new world together. Our eyes said good bye. But before I could ask them what I wanted to and before I could say a good bye in words, they BOTH jumped into the world on the left. They disappeared. And now I’m left alone standing there in disbelief wanting to jump to the right world but got too distracted from the pain in seeing the only people I know on that bridge disappeared.

---

And then I woke up. 

I don’t know which world I ended up choosing.

But I know I wanted to live in the world on my right. 

I can’t stand the idea of war and pain being possibly pleasant to go through. 

Those people who chose that are probably too in love with the world we came from and was gaddamn curious of how sin can not hurt and destroy. How free a fun world could be. 

But I didn’t like the idea. I wanted a new world. I’m tire of this world. That other world sounded like an awaited paradise. It was way more promising. It sounded beautiful although no one could really describe it. Am I wrong, or am I just too full of hope and expectations?

I don’t really know the meaning of this dream.

But I am scared now. 

But God if you ask me to choose, I’d still choose a simple heaven over hell full of forgiveness.

A Dream About Two New Worlds

12/06/2015 03:15:00 PM

A Dream About Two New Worlds

dreams Experience Ideation that somewhere

Read More

I am human.
Even so, to me, it is the most incomprehensible concept.
Yes, I’m referring to us, human beings.
Isn’t it funny how we are what it is, but we can never fully understand how we got here, this time and place.
We never know how these feelings work and why they’re there.
What do we live for?
We reach a certain age, and feel like it’s the perfect time to decide our very own purpose. The purpose of existing. How we love, what we do, and who we surround  ourselves with. But then lies the hardest question, one you can rarely give a concrete answer to: Why.

I don’t play God.
But sometimes, I want to walk in other’s shoes so bad, I get overwhelmed with the idea. I get so curious about how they feel.
But other times, I can’t even justify my own thoughts.
I can’t tell if I would like to figure out more about my feelings than theirs or vice versa.
Because I can’t tell if it’s me against the universe, or is the content of this universe too diverse, that I appear to be just another unique speck of dust that isn’t the only one with such feelings and wonders.
Sometimes I get mad at myself. I feel so left out, not able to think and feel the way majority in our society does. It might not sound like a big deal, but when it happens recurringly, it gets to you every moment.

For instance, you genuinely give with all good intentions but end up not being appreciated. And then you wonder, what was so wrong about giving? Or did I just choose the wrong moment to give? And of course, any right mind wouldn’t make a sense out of those questions. But that could be an impact of a simple, overlooked response.

The same idea could go with any other good deeds. But why do you expect so much back? It doesn’t have to be because you’re hoping for something in return, in material. It isn’t exactly because you want to hear an applause. And it shouldn’t be because you seek for attention. It is probably just expectation’s doing. One of human’s biggest struggle. You don’t choose what to expect. You don’t even get to choose to not expect. I have written about expectation before, but I guess this.. is more about the different ways people think that lead us to those expectations.

Just because we feel one way doesn’t mean others feel the same, no matter how illogical it may seem. Just because we have an opinion on one thing, doesn’t mean others would have the same perspective you do. Even times when people actually feel and think the way you do, won’t exactly mean they will do the same things you would. They just don’t. I’m not going to tell you to not expect, because once again, we’re human and that is just one of the many struggles we’re stuck with. I can only tell you to try to remember that people will only feel and think differently.

I don’t play God, but if anybody could, I’m sure they’d play by making people feel the way they think they should feel. Which would lead them to do what others would want them to do. And that is when chaos happens.



Good day. Keep giving.

Where's the Applause?

8/22/2015 09:55:00 AM

Where's the Applause?

Ideation Personal Distraction

Read More

You laid out a smile for the world to see
Hoping it would reach souls sincerely

You stare at unfortunate individuals
Picturing yourself in their shoes and rituals

You observe other beings around you
Guessing and supposing their life issues

You try to tell yourself you’re not alone
But only to find you’re lonely and just lost your throne

The constant battle in your head
The phrases no one actually said

The lack of confidence and the misunderstanding
The blame, the emotions and the self demanding

The negative impressions and the silent yelling
The wrong expectations and the storytelling

It is you, it is all you.
You eat up what you thought you’d be happy with
Like the black lady spider and the say of ancient myth

It is you, it is all you.
No wonder no one understood you and keep walking by
You sit busily thinking so hard, you thought you had tried

No one could see through your skin.
No one will ever let you win.

As long as you contain the war in you,
You’ll stay invisible and blue.

No wonder you’re so angry all the time
No wonder you’re always left behind

Stop feeling so unloved, worthless and worried
For that noun never made sense in all of history

You’ll  be fine.
You’ll meet another kind.

Another Kind

6/14/2015 11:38:00 AM

Another Kind

Ideation Love Poetry

Read More

Through the looking glass, they watched her. She was broken for a while. Oh, they sure know all the sequence.

It started out in a night so cold, always the perfect medium for an exchanging of words like such; a dialogue of two opposing ideas and impressions. Two that will never blend. Almost like the diversity in rationality between science and religion. Neither parties had a clue of why they even started their story, if only they knew it would eventually end in such a way. But they were both humans. Irrational in some cases. They take a chance on everything. But perhaps they are always forgiven for taking a chance on love. It is the ultimate thing they actually ever live by anyway.

The young lady took a step out of the vehicle. She entered her room to find herself stuck with her wonders and questions until only God knows when. Poor little one. In daytime, she would seek for love and something in contrary with the negative  beliefs and speculations she would run through at the end of the day.  She was hungry for comfort. She was never alone, but would always feel solitude when dawn took place. She would then be impatiently waiting for the day to turn and see the coming daylight. Even though the pressure on her eventually diminished, she knew she would never have her logics as straight as it should until she found the rational answers she wanted.

Up here, they knew she needed a hand. As much as she tried, she still couldn’t find any down there on earth. So out of the two watchers, the one with the highest reign up here sent the other watcher down to get her out of her very own limbo. A place she owns that can only be seen by herself and the ones up here.

+++

She started to feel like someone was always watching her. At the canteen, out on the streets when crossing the road, at places where she hangs out with her fellow humans. The oddness never really bothered her until one day, her eyes met the watcher’s. She would usually look away when getting caught in such situations. But for that one moment, she was willing to study his stare. It was fierce, but it wasn’t mean. He wasn’t smiling, but it was warm. It was sharp, but she felt nothing was cutting through her. It was probably someone she once met, but he was just up to the primary level of acquaintance; never crossed her mind after their one and only encounter.

It turns out he was someone known by one of her close friends. The next thing she knows, introductions and small talks occurred all over again. She thought it was either deja vu, or both of them probably forgot they’ve passed by each other a few times. But he knew it wasn’t anything like that. He had just jumped in the scene, embodied a vague memory, familiar enough to gain her acceptance as someone she’d like to let in. It was really, just for the sake of protecting her and guiding her until she gets it right.

He started doing his job. Day by day, she started feeling that comfort. She felt protection. She started observing the two sides on everything. She discovered that a tremendous wreck could have a side so luxurious and beautiful but is only available to those who wanted to look beyond. She learned what patience really meant. She became an expert in dancing. She started to dance to everything that made her happy. Since everything was in the form of justice, equality, and happiness up here, that was probably the things the watcher instinctively portrayed to her. Because of that, she started noticing one thing she hadn’t seen in a long time. Sincerity. It was always there. There on his face, in his touch and in his words. It shone so bright every time she was with him, that she couldn’t help her curiosity. She wanted more of him. She knew there was something more about him she did not know. She knew he wasn’t the kind to lie, or to hide anything from her, but she felt like there was something she was meant to discover herself.

Little did she know, that curiosity she went through, was the human’s definition of love. Love was curiosity followed by care and the need of giving and receiving comfort. She fell right through without realizing it at first. The watcher couldn’t have known better. But as all the gold he is, he’s never been through the experience. He hadn’t anticipate the danger of coming into their world. He was in confusion. He was either too focused on his mission or… probably got carried away.

The human ways started to affect him. He too, was learning why some worldly things became very enjoyable to the people. He started being curious himself. Her curiosity was contagious, and he sunk into it more every day. Quicksand. He was having fun. She felt less protected but it was fine as long as he was there. All he needed to be was there. But the more he looked like he was learning new things that should be fundamentals, she started assuming that he was not one of her kind. He was something else. Absolutely too good to be alive anywhere around her. He was humanly stupid. But she liked that in some way. Perhaps she liked how he was so different, yet so understanding and so giving, both in terms of compassion and knowledge. She then realized it wasn’t love that took over at the first place. She then realized he was just someone that needed to be there for her, to wake her and shake things off for her to continue a life with true meaning. And she just had to be the one to find him. Out of anybody she could meet, she just had to lock her eyes with his once upon a day. They were brought together for something. But did the other Watcher planned for this to happen? How in the end, he made her very needy of him? How in the end, he had to fall off track and got a taste of her ways of doing? How in the end, they had fallen for the pleasure of friction?

But when they were busy figuring things out for themselves, it was time. The span of duty was on its verge and they let things slip without warning. They were too busy in confusion, that they forgot every living thing is based upon time.  Time start things, ruin things, heal things, and of course, stop things.. even their story. Though she came out of the regimen bold, strong, wiser and more resourceful, she wasn’t prepared for a goodbye. Neither of them were.

Their eyes met for the last time, but right then, she looked away. He kept staring as if trying to suck up memories from her to keep for himself as he never had such experiences. This time, it was fierce and wasn’t quite friendly. He wasn’t smiling, and his eyes were cold and glazy. His stare was sharp, as if he was shooting arrows her way. But as for her, it was good that her eyes remained far from his way, for then she could be beat by those blades.

+++

He didn’t come for no reason. She didn’t want to take all the things he gave to her for granted. So, she started to do as practiced. She let her heart grow big and forgave. She looked beyond the unfavorable matters and tried to smile. She was like the moon who began to  appreciate the presence of the sun and the stars. She was like a child who was eager to touch everything around her. It became her delight to express feelings and ideas. She kept a little piece of grief, but she didn’t let it get in her way. She smiled as she looks at the luxurious side of memories and became grateful.

The March

5/14/2015 06:22:00 PM

The March

Experience Ideation Love

Read More

The sounds, the movements.. they surround me
At first they dance, ungracefully.
Then, before I could process an image,
I feel flashes, bright flashes strike my eyes
These individuals are needles trying to prick me
They leave me dazed as they present their show around me
Funny how I take up much horror as they glide peacefully
My head orders to grin, but I feel the face scrimage
With hate and doubt, how will good rise?

The sky, the ground.. nothing in between
All I see is the flashing
All I feel is myself and the sharp touches
Well how nice, at least I can feel myself.

All I do is wait here.
I wait.
I mute myself.
My mind wanders off to to pick up an amusing finding.
My lips start to follow orders.
Oh. I think I'm staying.
Rather would I.
Here. In Dream.

Traum

3/23/2014 01:32:00 AM

Traum

Ideation Poetry

Read More

I know I haven't written much.  I've realized I haven't typed a single word this past year. So I thought I could get a use of my mind, recalling highlights of 2013. I honestly thought nothing much had happened last year. It wasn't much of a roller coaster ride as 2012 was. The way I see it now, it wasn't so bad. Radically, everything was in its place, I just had to figure out the right time with the right steps in keeping them together. Anyway, trying to sum up the steady year I've had, I noticed its own ride. It may not be a coaster or a log flume ride nor a boring carousel, but it could be a somewhat enjoyable ferris wheel, with a great view and great company. So here are some of those great views:

-

The little difference 2013 had to offer was how most of the obstacles came out around the end. Unlike the years before where there were so many things to bump into throughout the year, the year just had to give a punch through the last 3 months, letting it set up an incredible ending. When I say incredible, I do mean full of gratitude.

I've learned how happy love could me feel, how necessary perseverance is, and how achievements wouldn't seem so great without knowing how to struggle. I've received sincere helping hands, which mostly came from people I least expect. The thought tickles me, daring me to smile. Thank you. I hope this kaleidoscopic tones of grey could make up for my shameful hiatus over the year.

I am considering on making a thoughtful list of resolution, but I'd like for it to be written in another way. But hey, I'll tell you one; write more. Well then, bring it, 2014!

-

The 12 in 13

1/01/2014 11:50:00 PM

The 12 in 13

Ideation Periodic

Read More

Sometimes I wonder why people don't have a god. I mean, it's obviously a choice. But I just wonder how it feels like not having a strong belief, that feeling to grip onto when you get lost.

I'm not saying I'm as religious as it may seem. I'm not. I might sin more than I think I do. Some would say why should you believe in one, if you don't even treat your god the way you're supposed to? When you only run or use Him if you need to. That is one point. But knowing there's always something to keep, isn't that comforting? I'm not giving any judgment or fault. I'm just wondering. I would like to know how it feels like. You keep losing things in the human world. Even faith for each other. Maybe one thing you can try to hold on to for chances of help is faith to the Unseen. Maybe, just maybe. Well as it is for me, I don't usually receive help in the form of a helping hand. I see them more as the presence of supposedly little inconspicuous things showing up to tell me to be a tiny bit more grateful. Because the feeling of content, makes me feel better. Smiling, is a gifted gift, I say. And that, is the state I'm in.

Invisible Presence, No?

10/07/2012 04:11:00 AM

Invisible Presence, No?

Ideation Photography

Read More

I see people struggle to win themselves a place for their future
Yet there’s people who still can’t sense how close the borderline is
and choose to stick with their playtime and defer accomplishments

I envy people who get what they want and clearly not what they need without even having to make an effort to earn it
Yet there’s people who strive for it expecting all the hard work would pay off but just to find they didn’t work hard enough to get it

I find that friends could love you just the same as lovers could, or could care more
Yet I don’t get why there’s people obsessed with love, assuring themeselves that without being with a lover, you’d be stuck with loneliness

I know people who pretty much have enough things to be content with
Yet they keep messing with others to get more of what they already have, not considering of how that would negatively affect the person

I sense people who secretly dislike others and often talk behind their backs
Yet they smile widely and give hugs to them when they’re around

I see people who takes advantages of cyberspace especially those social networks
Yet they pretend to forget that there’s reality and what to do with it

I keep hearing people complain about anything at all
Yet it’s clear enough they would regret having complained about it

I feel like people shift apart in circles
Yet they only come to other circles when they’re desperately in need

People. The world. Ever thought about more shame for us all to fall into?

Needless to say, I may be drowning in one or more of these. You definitely are too. 

Then who would reach out a hand to get us all out?

(7/7/11) 

People

4/25/2012 02:17:00 AM

People

Ideation Poetry

Read More

This year started out so well, it feels somewhat faulty. Expectations no longer disappoint me. I've learned to cope with worries that cause panic. Closest ones are still dependable. Point is, less things burden me. But how come I still look up to the cons on every good thing? They do say, man can never live up to satisfaction.

I've always been an observer. I hold critiques inside me. That's probably why I get too sensitive and get easily worried most of the time. I think too much of negative possibilities. I think a lot of how things should and should not be. But in some way, I believe this helps to turn to a better understanding person. But it sucks to judge so much. And it sucks to think about people's judgments so often. That is what I have realized. Lately, I have cared too much about what people may think of what I do, who I'm with, what I think, and how I act. I need to catch up with myself. This thing inside me is half full, rather than half empty.

Settled?

3/04/2012 12:33:00 PM

Settled?

Ideation

Read More

And all those significant events that just passed. Was going to write about them. But then I decide they're much too negative for me to bethink. Why jot it down in my timeline? I might as well bury it deep.

Grey clouds merge together.

The skies wrinkle, dropping down real fast.

I ducked, expecting the mass to collapse down on me.

For what seems like a moment succincted, I waited.

Nothing happened.

I carefully looked up.

My eyes leaped over their fears,

My heart sunk in surprise

The mind could not expound the occuring

It suddenly becomes cold.

Somehow I know I'm wrapped in warmth,

Yet a crisp of frost is felt on the tips of my fingers.

I like it.

I know I'm in comfort, but am still able to be aware of trouble around me.

Not fully vulnerable, not fully able to rest peacefully.

Still cautious.

Still surrounded by worries.

At least I'm safer here.

In my world.

*

Gathering Self

12/13/2011 11:28:00 AM

Gathering Self

Ideation Poetry

Read More

As strange as it is, there are some things in people you can't change.

Have you ever wanted to be someone? Like the someone you have in mind. How you want yourself to be. I don't necessarily mean an image of someone else you would like to be, but an image of yourself. An image of yourself doing the things you wished you could do, act the way you wish you could, look the way you wish you could, and so on.

And yes, I honestly do.

Or let's switch it around and say... you picture someone who you would never wanna be. An image of yourself that is least you. So you try to avoid that personality, behavior, look, and whatever you consider negative.

Don't people always have an idea of themselves? How they imagine themselves being a unique being, as individuals. Some people try hard to build up certain personalities, where the effort really shows. Maybe to other people, being that obvious means they don't seem to be themselves.

This is probably just a random thought coming from a person that is hard on changes like me.

Yes, most times, I hate changes. I don't really adapt easily. I am really quiet around people I don't know or any unfamiliar surrounding. It comes naturally. Either I'm afraid to speak and say the wrong things or the words simply just wouldn't come out. But other times, even when i'm around strangers, yet the condition seems enjoyable, I would speak out anything i have in mind. Literally anything there is.

This is probably why there are a lot of people who seem to misjudge me at first impressions. I'm not that good at revealing the person I really am. And I don't do so on purpose, clearly. Sometimes I really do wish I could be more of an easygoing person from scratch, so i wouldn't have to catch up with people's false presumptions. It's really weird you know. How strangers need to take time and dig hard to really get to know me or vice versa, yet those lucky people who settles easily around me could be amused by how open I really am. It's not fun not being able to pick who you want to open up to. It just happens, if it does, get it?

That is something I have been wanting to change about me. But whether I try or not, this personality is going to stay. Maybe in someways, it isn't that much of a disadvantage. I should find a way to use it and get through it without leading to an awkward cause.

Talkless Side

8/28/2011 05:24:00 PM

Talkless Side

Ideation

Read More

I've always adored lots of different professions. I believe that the biggest motivation that leads to success in anything is how much you enjoy what you do. You know when you've got potential when you know you love or at least going to love what you're going to do.

As in for me, majoring in architecture, I've known from the very start that I would enjoy studying it. I just know, without having the slightest idea of what architects actually do. Well all I knew was, they design buildings. But later on I discovered; no, they don't. It's a lot more than that. They create spaces. That would mean it's definitely not only about design. In fact, it involves a lot more thinking and problem solving than design. How was I to know? Then after I put some thoughts to it, I realized I never had much desire to actually create buildings, I was only armed with my fondness of architecture these days. Was that enough? It sure was. Apparently, though I believe this is the right track for me, I come along with doubts of being an architect in the future, let alone the doubt of becoming anything else. All I know for now is, as long as I enjoy what I do, I'll get there. Wherever 'there' is.

Anyway, back to different professions. There are these certain dream jobs I've always pictured myself doing. Of course, considering my talents, knowledge and chances today, I don't see myself getting near those jobs anytime soon, or ever. Although, some are merely adorations to me.

1. National Geographic Photographer

I keep imagining how it'd be like travelling to awesome different places, giving good practice to my little eyes to open up to tiny little things that are least noticeable yet so interesting. Feeling the thrills up my spine when discovering new people, new culture, new creatures, and even 'new' history. Gawd, just writing this very bit of description feels so amazing. DAMMIT I'm talking about exploring the world, our earth, the planet, and everything in it here, lads!

2. Supermodel

If only I were as pretty. If only my height weren't such a threat. Taken pictures of at cool places and unique settings. Try out awesome outfits from different famous expensive designers and walk your heart out in them. Fly here and there. And you get to be famous. Though I'm not that fond of the famous part. I might be a Next Top Model watcher-victim. Dear me.

By the way, that explains it. Being a photographer and a model are just as awesome. I know.

4. Pilot

I adore pilots. I mean the profession. I must feel incredible flying. You get to see all the land and water in a different perspective. Not forgetting the fluffy clouds you pass by. You get to see how great our land is from above. How I picture pilots take care of take offs and landings, dealing with all kinds of different buttons, ah that's so cool. Moreover, their uniforms makes them look so clean and so important. It just seems like such a high class job. And better yet, travel the world for free!! Haha. But I don't think I'd ever like to have a pilot as a husband. It's scary how they always leave you. And up til now, I still get a little paranoid at take offs and turbulences.

5. Chef

No, I cannot cook. Yet. But it seems fun to make dishes that taste good, experiment with different ingredients, and organize the plate's decoration. From baking to cooking. I mean, I always thought of cooking as a form of art. It seems like you need the passion and the creativity to make such dishes. Then it comes to owning your own store or restaurant. I know its ridiculous how I think of how much fun it'd be, yet I'm not any close to being eager to learn how to cook. At least not anytime soon. Oh yeah, and plus plus for chocolatiers!!! They get the best taste-testing ever!

6. Film Directors

I don't know much about filmery. But making movies always looked so interesting.

7. Doctors

Another one of those jobs that I adore, yet never have I come across the thought of becoming one. I never wanted to be a doctor, the job that's highly favored especially in this darn country. The thought of me as a doctor scares me. I keep thinking of all the responsibilities I'd have to go through, and how someones life could lie in your hand. But I like how doctors look. They look so smart, clean, and from the point of view of a patient, doctors look like lifesavers. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either.

8. Architect?

I don't dream of being an architect any more, honestly. It has become a reality to me somehow. I feel like I'm already being sucked in to the world of architecture. I just hope to get the best of it. I used to see architects as people who have great minds, merging shapes into something you can walk through and live in, making them look attractive, yet functional. Architectures today amaze me. The reason I wanted to take up architecture was I want to be one of those people who could actually create those awesome buildings someday, knowing I've never had the talent and ability to draw any form of building, ever, before.

When I was 10, I used to picture my dream house(es), and started by arranging rooms, certain areas, its circulation, and put it down on a piece of paper, looking like a house plan. But I couldn't really draw the exteriors. I've always been poor at drawing buildings other than houses that consists of a pyramid-shaped roof and it's boxed-shape body with a few windows and a wooden door. Then there would hang a swing on the tree nearby and wooden pencil-shaped fences. Let's say the typical houses a child would draw. Seriously, until nearly about a year before I entered architecture school. Talk about ridiculous, huh? Still around that age, I also enjoyed imagining all the clothes I'd like to wear, so I started drawing people wearing clothes I thought I designed and all. Oh my childhood was so full of imagination, I miss it so much. I'm just in lack of it now.

Anyway, I still don't think being an architect is the best job in this world, yet i hope and i think it might just be the right one for me. For now. And always have, actually. But I know I'm scared. I knew it would be a lot more complex than I thought, but... despite enjoying studying it, I don't know if I want it as bad. There I said it. But for now, it's all I have in mind and it's what's in front of me. Seriously, it's all I have in mind. I can't imagine myself doing anything else that's real and possible. I'm not the only one, am I?

Good job, Mate.

7/07/2011 04:37:00 PM

Good job, Mate.

Ideation List Wishline

Read More

Since my mind's way too stuffed to even think about assignments and it seems like such a silent empty night, writing a post won't hurt.

So where am I at now? It's really hard to describe, but i feel like I've been through this before. Another point in life where I'm sick of having to go through the same routines everyday. I've become so indolent and passive, making me more of a careless person. I used to panic a lot, and actually be concerned about things and would actually do something about it. Or as Harold Stephens says,

"There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem."

Great. As bad as it sounds, I am now only a 'worrier'.

But now, as careless as I get, I do still panic somehow, but I'd just let those feelings pass and beat themselves, while the obstacle still lies ahead. I guess the numbness came from how bad and unfortunate things keep coming to me, and might as well force me to get used to them. I need a jerk. A quick shock. Ah reality scares me for the moment. Help. Yeah, that's what I really need. But who would? I was thinking through all the wrong things I may have done, or was I simply to drag myself closer to God? I mean I haven't been drifting away that much. So why the hell am I feeling so lifeless?

Going over life, I realized it really is like a wheel. All the ups and downs all together. Being on the very top, to the very bottom. Loving, hating, forgiving, than back to loving. The pattern of hardwork, making decisions, then achievements. And there. The wheel keeps turning. Playing you. But i feel like no life has been so much more of a pattern than mine is. I could guess what would come up next on some occasions. But even so, I still come accross unwanted expectations that lead to disappointments. Wake up! I've been there, done that. But I would still get the same disappointments and all. Why do I even let myself accept that pattern? I want a change in every step of my life. Not having to rerun through the same pattern, whether it's in elementary or in college life. Other than that, luck seems to take sides. It picks on people. I had my fun ride last semester. I had everything in place, and everything was going well; good grades, good times. But this semester is very close to hell. My grades = chaos. Less free time. I come home less often. Less time to hang out with friends, which makes some of us not as close as we used to be. And you name it. May I sigh now?

Anyhow, the wheel has put me at the very bottom. And hell-o, I'm stuck down here, I just don't seem to be coming back up any time soon. It feels longer than it usually is. I would usually meet ease faster than this. The sunshine just doesn't seem to show up after the rain like it's supposed to, where it usually does, really. This restlessness is taking to long. So is this the part where the pattern is being broken? But why does the pattern stop at a such an awful part?

I want to be on top again. I want my carefree days back!

Oh what a gloomy post I'm creating. But nothing serves you better than writing your feelings out, is there? That's really what this blog is for, so... mind me not.

Fair-as-Wheel

4/29/2011 10:10:00 PM

Fair-as-Wheel

Ideation Personal Distraction

Read More

In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

-Wikipedia

–noun

1.

the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3.

an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4.

something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5.

Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

6.

the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.

-Dictionary.com

I've never been good dealing with this word. All my life I've been expecting things to happen, good or bad, without having the ability to hold or keep myself from doing it. No one can. Well what usually happens to me is good expectations never turn out the way I hoped for it to. On the other hand, bad expectations usually come out just the way I imagined it.

I mean, it's good having expectations for good things to happen. It makes you dwell in positivity. Could give you motivation and encourages you to do whatever, asuming good results will follow. I say bad expectations are alright as well. It makes you anticipate the worst. And no, I guess we can't help controlling them. Oh blame the conscience of us human.

I wonder though, perhaps we can somehow try to bound these expections. What I'm saying is, we often set our expectations too high, that we end up getting disappointed in the end. Like said before, we do this if things are most likely to happen, bur for some extrinsic reason, they just don't happen.. or happens in a way that totally differs from what you had in mind. Life don't always go your way, I've known that all along.

I've been going through this a lot of times before. And yes, I've always made a note to myself not to over-expect things because you know that when you do, it certainly won't happen. And yeah, it's always true. I keep pretending not to hear these little voices when I get high hopes for something. Then, getting the unwanted results just as (also) expected. But occasionally, when things turn out the way you want them to, I don't get all surprised and overjoyed. Instead I seem to be telling myself 'see.. toldya it would happen', and smile, and enjoy the content.

For those of you who know me, it's clear enough that I often panic too much. I easily get worried, which usually follows bad expectations. You see, it kinda irritates people and myself sometimes. So I need to manage this as well. Just... how is the question.

How do you deal with disappointments after such wishful pictures set in mind?

What Is Up With Expectations?

12/19/2010 05:32:00 PM

What Is Up With Expectations?

Ideation

Read More

Have I mentioned? I officially graduated from highschool! Well technically.. the graduation ceremony is all that's left. Average score's 8 point something. Physics ruins it all. Could've gotten a better total score.. but HEY I swear i did it with honesty. And when I look back, gee I must say how frightened I was because I thought I didn't do all that well in physics.

Honestly, screw me for running out of inspiration to write, and my lack of vocabulary usage. My posts might start to bore you. I was skimming through my older posts. I conclude that this blog is mostly about how I feel about the world and the things around me. Again, about how I feel about them, not about them. So it's never meant to attract people to read it. But of course, it'd feel good to know that someone else in this world could feel the same way I do about those things I write about, and if they could simply give me solutions to my complaints. Comments do delight me. But hey I don't expect them much. Just like twitter. I don't tweet to get replies and RT'S (unless a twit is actually addressed to someone specific). I don't tweet to get attention. I tweet to practically express thoughts and feelings. Well not like anybody else actually does the opposite. haha.

Anyhow... stickin' to the topic. Since I'm leaving highschool, I thought it'd be a treat to this blog if I write what my highschool years mean to me. No, not gonna go through all the drama. Let's put it this way.. hmm how about I list what the past 3 years have taught me. According to me, from my point of view. Damn I learned a lot! It woke me up and told me that I'm actually living. Don't read this list. A reminder before the ride: this is one of the posts that will bore you (like anyone would read this). This is a note to myself. A reminder for the near future, so I don't forget I opened all the shut windows............ in high school.

1. I learned that you will eventually get the best friends there are, over time. No matter how lonely you started out. Did you really think it was impossible to talk to them? ha. ha. Or maybe you're the one laughing at them now. (haha nothing particular.. )

2. I learned to willingly go through the obstacles while keeping in mind that soon all of it will end and the next thing i know is that i've gone through that... with pride and you could say with ease after all.

3. I learned that no obstacle is too hard to overcome.

4. Oh, don't forget this. I learn to agree on this quote "beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So if you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will" I think this might be quote of the year. Or a good one to hold on to throughout HS.

5. I learned that the friendship kind of love could make you just as jealous, just as vulnerable, just as secure, just as happy as love love. But it's always the most worth fighting for.

6. I learned that being a best friend means so much more than having a best friend. It feels so much greater than having a friend.

7. I learned to take those public transportation (haha). The Bajaj, Metromini, Busway. But the angkot is just average already.

8. I learned to respect different kinds of music. And other tastes too I guess.

9. I learned that EVERYTHING has a purpose. All that's happened to you, all that's.... there. Good or bad.

10. I learned that it really is true how they say that no dream is impossible!

11. I learned that honesty, confidence, positivity, endeavor, and getting close to God will all equal to success followed by pride. Oh yes, honey.. must have them all together to make that dream reachable. Still unreachable? Then believe in fate. Keep lookin' for other ways to get there! (okay, some of you may question the honesty part.. but i said with pride)

12. I learned that rejections, exclusion and fights don't always create gaps, in fact they can actually build up better relationships and fix those bad people. They could lead to an advantage.

13. I learned that those people in movies are certainly derived from real life. Those absolute bookworms, those geniuses, those nerds who get bullied, those backstabbers, those brave liars, those kleptos, giving average examples here, but you know what I mean, I used to come across better ones.

14. I learned that just because a person seems to be more successful then you are doesn't mean they're smarter than you, and the so goes the other way around, just because they seem to be more clever doesn't mean that they have more possibilities to succeed.

15. I learned that money is valuable, and hard to earn.

16. I learned that people around me do change. Just be prepared for the new influence and what might effect you.. while they could change anytime and drastically. What may seem I'm the only one that doesn't change and watching them change. I realize I change too.. it's just that I don't go along with their changes, the ends just don't meet.

17. I learned to forgive. No use after all, jibbering about others' fault, as long as they got over it and don't repeat, and... don't bug you anymore.

18. I learned anything (like things in movies) could happen to anyone, anytime, unexpectedly. Car accidents, failure, rejection, ...death.

19. I learned to believe that whatever you fear most has no power over you, it is the fear that has the power.

20. I learned to let go of the past and bad things that had happened. Loss, good times, goodbyes, any other kinds of problems.

21. I definitely learned that academic achievement is the best kind of joy!

22. I learned that when you have no one left to to turn to.. there's always God. Don't let him be the last to lean on, when you know he's always there for you!

23. I learned to plan things ahead of me rather than spontaneously wait to find treats along the road. Trust me, this makes things a lot easier. Get organized, dude!

24. I learned how most things you learned in elementary are all too standard and covered up with lies. They've just started to actually teach you things in high school. Seriously. Or.. back then they just tell you that things happen. But in highschool they tell you how things happen, how they work. Isn't that what we all need to know? I mean who needs to know that things happen or exist? We can simply SEE things, but all we want to know is why and how. You'll realize that they just made a fool of you in elementary. No, don't say 'gee.. that's okay we were just kids, we deserved that' . Nope, won't take it.

25. I learned to persevere... and survive a whole day studying and get over with the weariness. I kept saying 'oh i can make it.. 2 more hours until i get home!' and it was 9 pm. I got used to staying up late. That's why I'm friends with these dark undereyes. Practice for Arch school. yeah, that's what they tell me

******

ahh I'm too tired. you know there's more. I'll continue tomorrow. Ain't saving this as a draft, I'd like to publish it as it is. 'll update it sometime soon. night.

List of..

5/08/2010 08:39:00 PM

List of..

Experience Ideation

Read More