I had a dream last night.

It was just as strange as the most interesting dreams of mine have been.

I don’t really know how to feel about it.

I wasn’t necessarily frightened.

I wasn’t excited either.

I was probably sort of curious.

---

I was standing in line, along with my family. My parents were ahead, followed by me, then my little sisters. It was a long line. It seemed like the entire world was queueing for something big. It felt like judgement day. Just because when I look around, I didn’t see the world I know. We were in a place where everything around us was blurry, in tones of blue and green. The only clear vision we could get a hold of was the faces of the people, up to 15 steps from where you stand. In the middle of a wide blurry galaxy, we stood in a line on a long platform, black and shiny, almost a meter in width. That was all. An infinite railing-less bridge cutting through a sea green galaxy. Nothing felt real. But somehow, I just know it wasn’t judgement day.

Somehow we were told that when we get to the front of the line, we were to choose between two things. The queue took the whole day. Well, we didn’t actually know how long it went on because we could see the change of day. We didn’t know where the sun was, or if the moon was out there watching us. We couldn’t tell time. We were confused, me and my sisters, everybody, but no one really talked about it to each other. Instead we talked about other things, that make us happy. It was like we know we were supposed to do this, but no one really knew what we were actually up to.

As I was getting a conversation going with my two sisters, it was finally our turn. Wait. But where did mom and dad go? We didn’t pay attention to what was happening in front of us. We were told to choose. The turn was for the three of us all at once, but we could choose to our own liking. 

They were lists. On my left side, the list consists of circumstances, which I conclude was ‘to live in the world you have known’. In this world, you will meet all the happiness earthly things can bring. You’re allowed to drink all you want. You’re allowed to love anyone you want. But you are going to go through pain, heartbreaks, and loss. But somehow they assured us that those pain will be pleasure, not like the ones you know from where we came from. Yes, you’re allowed to do anything you want, any sin you have known to be pleasurable, and will not be considered as sinning. There’s war and there’s peace. But both will seem just as convenient. What a great offer right? It’s as if it was a brainwash. Like here’s to the world without sin, but you’d have to live it all over again.

On my right, there was also a list, printed on white background. It had a simpler layout. But nothing on the list was familiar. It promised us a place of happines and full of content. It didn’t mention the specific features, but I could sense peace right then. We were told though, that we’ve never gone through any of what was going to be given there. We are to obey and follow some regulation, but was assured that they were doable as long as we’re in peace. It sounded more beautiful to me, although it was so abstract. It was tempting for me. The only thing they ever mentioned was basically about gaining an eternal peaceful state of mind.

Suddenly, before I could choose, I thought about my mother. What did she choose? I thought about my father, would he rather go with the first option? So I asked them. I don’t know who they were but I couldn’t exactly remember seeing them there. What did my parent choose? Can I just go whereever they went? But I was told that this was an independent individualistic decision to make. I started to get scared. What are these two places?

Then they told us that we were to choose between two worlds. We are going to start a new life, with a different family, surrounded by people we’ve never seen. We could live again from zero. So then, the family we once knew wouldn’t matter anymore. They’d be erased from our memories once we enter our new worlds. Nothing will feel familiar, because we would forget that we have lived a  life before this. 

I stood in disbelief. I knew right away what I was heading for. I wanted to know more about the world on my right. I looked at my sisters. Their eyes were wet and I hoped so much for them to make the same choice as I would. I lost my parents somewhere in one of those worlds. I was not ready to lose them too, although I know I wouldn’t recognize them once we’re in the new world together. Our eyes said good bye. But before I could ask them what I wanted to and before I could say a good bye in words, they BOTH jumped into the world on the left. They disappeared. And now I’m left alone standing there in disbelief wanting to jump to the right world but got too distracted from the pain in seeing the only people I know on that bridge disappeared.

---

And then I woke up. 

I don’t know which world I ended up choosing.

But I know I wanted to live in the world on my right. 

I can’t stand the idea of war and pain being possibly pleasant to go through. 

Those people who chose that are probably too in love with the world we came from and was gaddamn curious of how sin can not hurt and destroy. How free a fun world could be. 

But I didn’t like the idea. I wanted a new world. I’m tire of this world. That other world sounded like an awaited paradise. It was way more promising. It sounded beautiful although no one could really describe it. Am I wrong, or am I just too full of hope and expectations?

I don’t really know the meaning of this dream.

But I am scared now. 

But God if you ask me to choose, I’d still choose a simple heaven over hell full of forgiveness.

A Dream About Two New Worlds

12/06/2015 03:15:00 PM

A Dream About Two New Worlds

dreams Experience Ideation that somewhere

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Through the looking glass, they watched her. She was broken for a while. Oh, they sure know all the sequence.

It started out in a night so cold, always the perfect medium for an exchanging of words like such; a dialogue of two opposing ideas and impressions. Two that will never blend. Almost like the diversity in rationality between science and religion. Neither parties had a clue of why they even started their story, if only they knew it would eventually end in such a way. But they were both humans. Irrational in some cases. They take a chance on everything. But perhaps they are always forgiven for taking a chance on love. It is the ultimate thing they actually ever live by anyway.

The young lady took a step out of the vehicle. She entered her room to find herself stuck with her wonders and questions until only God knows when. Poor little one. In daytime, she would seek for love and something in contrary with the negative  beliefs and speculations she would run through at the end of the day.  She was hungry for comfort. She was never alone, but would always feel solitude when dawn took place. She would then be impatiently waiting for the day to turn and see the coming daylight. Even though the pressure on her eventually diminished, she knew she would never have her logics as straight as it should until she found the rational answers she wanted.

Up here, they knew she needed a hand. As much as she tried, she still couldn’t find any down there on earth. So out of the two watchers, the one with the highest reign up here sent the other watcher down to get her out of her very own limbo. A place she owns that can only be seen by herself and the ones up here.

+++

She started to feel like someone was always watching her. At the canteen, out on the streets when crossing the road, at places where she hangs out with her fellow humans. The oddness never really bothered her until one day, her eyes met the watcher’s. She would usually look away when getting caught in such situations. But for that one moment, she was willing to study his stare. It was fierce, but it wasn’t mean. He wasn’t smiling, but it was warm. It was sharp, but she felt nothing was cutting through her. It was probably someone she once met, but he was just up to the primary level of acquaintance; never crossed her mind after their one and only encounter.

It turns out he was someone known by one of her close friends. The next thing she knows, introductions and small talks occurred all over again. She thought it was either deja vu, or both of them probably forgot they’ve passed by each other a few times. But he knew it wasn’t anything like that. He had just jumped in the scene, embodied a vague memory, familiar enough to gain her acceptance as someone she’d like to let in. It was really, just for the sake of protecting her and guiding her until she gets it right.

He started doing his job. Day by day, she started feeling that comfort. She felt protection. She started observing the two sides on everything. She discovered that a tremendous wreck could have a side so luxurious and beautiful but is only available to those who wanted to look beyond. She learned what patience really meant. She became an expert in dancing. She started to dance to everything that made her happy. Since everything was in the form of justice, equality, and happiness up here, that was probably the things the watcher instinctively portrayed to her. Because of that, she started noticing one thing she hadn’t seen in a long time. Sincerity. It was always there. There on his face, in his touch and in his words. It shone so bright every time she was with him, that she couldn’t help her curiosity. She wanted more of him. She knew there was something more about him she did not know. She knew he wasn’t the kind to lie, or to hide anything from her, but she felt like there was something she was meant to discover herself.

Little did she know, that curiosity she went through, was the human’s definition of love. Love was curiosity followed by care and the need of giving and receiving comfort. She fell right through without realizing it at first. The watcher couldn’t have known better. But as all the gold he is, he’s never been through the experience. He hadn’t anticipate the danger of coming into their world. He was in confusion. He was either too focused on his mission or… probably got carried away.

The human ways started to affect him. He too, was learning why some worldly things became very enjoyable to the people. He started being curious himself. Her curiosity was contagious, and he sunk into it more every day. Quicksand. He was having fun. She felt less protected but it was fine as long as he was there. All he needed to be was there. But the more he looked like he was learning new things that should be fundamentals, she started assuming that he was not one of her kind. He was something else. Absolutely too good to be alive anywhere around her. He was humanly stupid. But she liked that in some way. Perhaps she liked how he was so different, yet so understanding and so giving, both in terms of compassion and knowledge. She then realized it wasn’t love that took over at the first place. She then realized he was just someone that needed to be there for her, to wake her and shake things off for her to continue a life with true meaning. And she just had to be the one to find him. Out of anybody she could meet, she just had to lock her eyes with his once upon a day. They were brought together for something. But did the other Watcher planned for this to happen? How in the end, he made her very needy of him? How in the end, he had to fall off track and got a taste of her ways of doing? How in the end, they had fallen for the pleasure of friction?

But when they were busy figuring things out for themselves, it was time. The span of duty was on its verge and they let things slip without warning. They were too busy in confusion, that they forgot every living thing is based upon time.  Time start things, ruin things, heal things, and of course, stop things.. even their story. Though she came out of the regimen bold, strong, wiser and more resourceful, she wasn’t prepared for a goodbye. Neither of them were.

Their eyes met for the last time, but right then, she looked away. He kept staring as if trying to suck up memories from her to keep for himself as he never had such experiences. This time, it was fierce and wasn’t quite friendly. He wasn’t smiling, and his eyes were cold and glazy. His stare was sharp, as if he was shooting arrows her way. But as for her, it was good that her eyes remained far from his way, for then she could be beat by those blades.

+++

He didn’t come for no reason. She didn’t want to take all the things he gave to her for granted. So, she started to do as practiced. She let her heart grow big and forgave. She looked beyond the unfavorable matters and tried to smile. She was like the moon who began to  appreciate the presence of the sun and the stars. She was like a child who was eager to touch everything around her. It became her delight to express feelings and ideas. She kept a little piece of grief, but she didn’t let it get in her way. She smiled as she looks at the luxurious side of memories and became grateful.

The March

5/14/2015 06:22:00 PM

The March

Experience Ideation Love

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Once, there was warmth.

I enter the room, everything white. The room is two stories high. A skylight lit up the room. Brisk blue is above you. Four walls painted in lily-white encloses. Photographs rest on their surface. Four walls have them in black frames. Plain and simple, no need of embossment. Its aim is to draw focus on the image it contains.

One side of the room holds images in black and white.  They captured portraits of laughter and scenes as if the presence of the camera was unnoticed. Another side holds colorful pictures of landscapes; places gone, places admired and places that compose stories. Destinations. Some, were home. Greens and blues. Splats of red and some yellow spots. White cotton balls and all colors in neon on a black page. It all reminds you of all the things you could do, you can do. And things you probably would do again. Next to that wall, there's this wall. The plane I stand twenty-five inches from after entering. This barrier lets me in through a walnut door. A wall lantern sticks out on each of its side. Unlit. Turning my sight to my left, I see the wall scattered with polaroid pictures. The prints presents soul. Eyes, mouth, and hands. You could tell how they were moving without real motion. You could hear sounds of conversations and tunes without a catch of vibration. You even see moving scenes in your head. How lively it was, you feel too.

I've been to this room quite a few times. Whenever I decide to come, I just come. It's always there. Always ready to let me in. Anytime. Just like any other time, there's a long wooden table in front of me. Twenty-eight feet to be round. Familiar faces sit on a massive old dead trunk that lies on the floor, on each long side of the table. They all turn their heads my way, with the warmest smiles on. It's as if I was the one they've been waiting for, disregarding my unpunctuality. I scooted myself in between two fellows, not taking the spot at the end of the trunk bench.

We go through stories, we let out laughter every now and then. I am mostly glad we have the room to ourselves, for we are frolicking in expression uncontrollably. It is like a bash, without the sound of guitar and drums, and movements that follow along with their beat. No real music, no real dancing. Our dance is the gesture of our hands from elaborating, the music is the laughter itself. But all of it could get you sick and drunk if you lose focus and begin to think it's nonsense, unconciously dismissing yourself.

We are served joy on our plates. Some ordered comfort and a couple others ordered trust. We didn't swallow our meals whole. Some likes to share. Some would ask to taste a bite. And by the end, we are full of savories. We decide to munch on dessert. We all have jellos. Clear and transparent white. But to our surprise, each of them tastes differently. Mine tastes like chocolate swimming in hazelnut cream, with crumbs of crackers floating every here and there. Not too warm, not too cold. Just how I like it. The person on my right has jello that gives a jolt of berry flavors. Sweet once it touches your tastebuds, then stings in sourness right before you ingest it. I enjoyed the first part, but not so much after. But maybe that's how this person likes it. That's what makes this individual happy.

Our cups were filled with thick black liquid, almost like ink. I find it thrilling, gulping down a dose of refreshing liquid. Though iceless, it becomes cool once it touches your throat. Not so much of its appearance describes its taste.

Inside, I'm full of all the liquid. An amount needs to be leaked. I don't want to excuse myself right this moment. But I have to go. Dismissing my self, I exited the same door I went in through, expecting to come back with someone who misses my story, waiting for the sequel to be told.

To be continued..

Beautiful Trance (Part I)

1/18/2015 02:28:00 PM

Beautiful Trance (Part I)

Artwork Experience

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August 19th, 2011.

Nineteen. 19. Already?

It seems like there is only a year left of the teen age. Why, have I really grown that much?

There are only a few things to share. Not much.

1. Studio kinda had a place there in ruining the day.

2. And sure, haha of course, how smart of people to actually plan a surprise.

3. A day for such reasons, so some ignored ends could meet. We should quit being pretentious.

Yet, Kung Fu Panda 2 saves the day!

...with these punks:

Four days later....

How I wish I could censor those spiders. But yeah, then you wouldn't get the point.

Just like a pair of the freakiest things, they gifted me a pair of the cutest things :)

Meet Pudel and Gum.

They had 00 candles lit. I had two wishes, or was it three, blown.

With all that, I don't know what I expect of myself this year.

What do you expect of me?

Nineteenth Nineteen

8/28/2011 04:57:00 PM

Nineteenth Nineteen

Experience Periodic

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Wait for it..
Things will eventually go your way, I guess.
Going on 2 months living life this way. I have to say it is becoming a new adventure.
So here's what the new world got to show.

So everyday's about the above. And well, plus these 24/7.

Eat, study, ..create.

And.. be all random and.. stupid.
Fools.

They make things... even.
Between the stress and the fun :)

Or Was It a Culture Shock

10/09/2010 10:11:00 PM

Or Was It a Culture Shock

Artwork Experience

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You might have guessed it already: I've never been this busy my darn whole life! I had moved to Bandung and have stayed here for almost a month already. It feels like at least 3 months has gone by though. There's always at least one day in a week where I miss home, family, and high school buddies like hell. My new friends are my new family here. We eat together, we work on our assignments together, we count on each other for favours, and so on. But seriously, what would I be now without these new friends. But nothing beats your family at home. I miss Mom, Dad, Kania, and Sesha -- though my sisters might not miss me as much haha, but frankly.. I miss having their presence at home, even though I used to not interact with them that often anyway. They just simply give you the 'homey' vibe.

At first, I think I got pretty stressed out. I wasn't sleeping for 2 nights in a row, and this happens every week. Still going on, actually. I had to get used to it. So once in a short while, we'd just have to run from reality (assignments) and go out, take pictures or whatever. But in hours, we'd meet again to work on our assignments together. I tell you, however you need, or want sleep, you'd have to sacrifice that desire and FINISH your work. It's killing me, really. I've lost 4kg of weight.. not to mention the fasting. I felt like I was lifeless. I live just to stay awake every night, staring at rulers and it's millimeters, A3 and A2 papers, rapido pens, and pencils with different sized leads. Gah. Never in my life, had one millimeter been so important. I could redo the whole assignment if I drew a line a meter less than how long it should've been. No mercy. Deal with it. So far, I haven't done any assignment on my own. I'd always go to a friend's and work on it together. I don't think I can do any by myself. I mean.. it's the company that keeps you awake, although we'd be working on it on or own anyway once we meet at one place.

I'm (working on) getting used to all this. Try to make it seem as fun as possible. Because I could say that all we do for college is basically just.. draw. But the part that sucks is you'll never (easily) get any compliments for your work. It's almost impossible to get an A, for me. However neat or good enough you think you've done, there would always be someone better. But those people would get critiques as well. Artists or anyone who creates need compliments every once in a while for motivation and inspiration. Not just critiques for motivation, if you get it all the time it would just destruct you instead. What I mean is, sometimes the sacred hours of sleep I sacrificed isn't worth it. It could hurt.

Oh and about 2 weeks ago was my 18th birthday. Worst birthday ever. The assignments ruined my day. It didn't feel like my birthday. It didn't feel like a special day at all. And this time, I didn't have my parents beside me. Sad. Can I have a second 18th? :(

Okay, holidays. I'm going home in 3 daaaays! Something to absolutely (supposedly) be looking forward to. It's just that... we're still given a darn whole huge piles of assignments to take home. Okay millimeters, we'll still be meeting in Jakarta. Just great. I'm tired (already). But this, is stil going for at least 4 more years, darling. Wish me all the luck you can give. Seriously, this time.

~pictures might come up soon. just maybe. if i ever find another free time.

Harsh New World

9/04/2010 10:02:00 AM

Harsh New World

Experience

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Have I mentioned? I officially graduated from highschool! Well technically.. the graduation ceremony is all that's left. Average score's 8 point something. Physics ruins it all. Could've gotten a better total score.. but HEY I swear i did it with honesty. And when I look back, gee I must say how frightened I was because I thought I didn't do all that well in physics.

Honestly, screw me for running out of inspiration to write, and my lack of vocabulary usage. My posts might start to bore you. I was skimming through my older posts. I conclude that this blog is mostly about how I feel about the world and the things around me. Again, about how I feel about them, not about them. So it's never meant to attract people to read it. But of course, it'd feel good to know that someone else in this world could feel the same way I do about those things I write about, and if they could simply give me solutions to my complaints. Comments do delight me. But hey I don't expect them much. Just like twitter. I don't tweet to get replies and RT'S (unless a twit is actually addressed to someone specific). I don't tweet to get attention. I tweet to practically express thoughts and feelings. Well not like anybody else actually does the opposite. haha.

Anyhow... stickin' to the topic. Since I'm leaving highschool, I thought it'd be a treat to this blog if I write what my highschool years mean to me. No, not gonna go through all the drama. Let's put it this way.. hmm how about I list what the past 3 years have taught me. According to me, from my point of view. Damn I learned a lot! It woke me up and told me that I'm actually living. Don't read this list. A reminder before the ride: this is one of the posts that will bore you (like anyone would read this). This is a note to myself. A reminder for the near future, so I don't forget I opened all the shut windows............ in high school.

1. I learned that you will eventually get the best friends there are, over time. No matter how lonely you started out. Did you really think it was impossible to talk to them? ha. ha. Or maybe you're the one laughing at them now. (haha nothing particular.. )

2. I learned to willingly go through the obstacles while keeping in mind that soon all of it will end and the next thing i know is that i've gone through that... with pride and you could say with ease after all.

3. I learned that no obstacle is too hard to overcome.

4. Oh, don't forget this. I learn to agree on this quote "beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So if you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will" I think this might be quote of the year. Or a good one to hold on to throughout HS.

5. I learned that the friendship kind of love could make you just as jealous, just as vulnerable, just as secure, just as happy as love love. But it's always the most worth fighting for.

6. I learned that being a best friend means so much more than having a best friend. It feels so much greater than having a friend.

7. I learned to take those public transportation (haha). The Bajaj, Metromini, Busway. But the angkot is just average already.

8. I learned to respect different kinds of music. And other tastes too I guess.

9. I learned that EVERYTHING has a purpose. All that's happened to you, all that's.... there. Good or bad.

10. I learned that it really is true how they say that no dream is impossible!

11. I learned that honesty, confidence, positivity, endeavor, and getting close to God will all equal to success followed by pride. Oh yes, honey.. must have them all together to make that dream reachable. Still unreachable? Then believe in fate. Keep lookin' for other ways to get there! (okay, some of you may question the honesty part.. but i said with pride)

12. I learned that rejections, exclusion and fights don't always create gaps, in fact they can actually build up better relationships and fix those bad people. They could lead to an advantage.

13. I learned that those people in movies are certainly derived from real life. Those absolute bookworms, those geniuses, those nerds who get bullied, those backstabbers, those brave liars, those kleptos, giving average examples here, but you know what I mean, I used to come across better ones.

14. I learned that just because a person seems to be more successful then you are doesn't mean they're smarter than you, and the so goes the other way around, just because they seem to be more clever doesn't mean that they have more possibilities to succeed.

15. I learned that money is valuable, and hard to earn.

16. I learned that people around me do change. Just be prepared for the new influence and what might effect you.. while they could change anytime and drastically. What may seem I'm the only one that doesn't change and watching them change. I realize I change too.. it's just that I don't go along with their changes, the ends just don't meet.

17. I learned to forgive. No use after all, jibbering about others' fault, as long as they got over it and don't repeat, and... don't bug you anymore.

18. I learned anything (like things in movies) could happen to anyone, anytime, unexpectedly. Car accidents, failure, rejection, ...death.

19. I learned to believe that whatever you fear most has no power over you, it is the fear that has the power.

20. I learned to let go of the past and bad things that had happened. Loss, good times, goodbyes, any other kinds of problems.

21. I definitely learned that academic achievement is the best kind of joy!

22. I learned that when you have no one left to to turn to.. there's always God. Don't let him be the last to lean on, when you know he's always there for you!

23. I learned to plan things ahead of me rather than spontaneously wait to find treats along the road. Trust me, this makes things a lot easier. Get organized, dude!

24. I learned how most things you learned in elementary are all too standard and covered up with lies. They've just started to actually teach you things in high school. Seriously. Or.. back then they just tell you that things happen. But in highschool they tell you how things happen, how they work. Isn't that what we all need to know? I mean who needs to know that things happen or exist? We can simply SEE things, but all we want to know is why and how. You'll realize that they just made a fool of you in elementary. No, don't say 'gee.. that's okay we were just kids, we deserved that' . Nope, won't take it.

25. I learned to persevere... and survive a whole day studying and get over with the weariness. I kept saying 'oh i can make it.. 2 more hours until i get home!' and it was 9 pm. I got used to staying up late. That's why I'm friends with these dark undereyes. Practice for Arch school. yeah, that's what they tell me

******

ahh I'm too tired. you know there's more. I'll continue tomorrow. Ain't saving this as a draft, I'd like to publish it as it is. 'll update it sometime soon. night.

List of..

5/08/2010 08:39:00 PM

List of..

Experience Ideation

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I wasn't gonna write about it.. but it's still buzzing in my mind. I still can't imagine how it'd be losing the people I love in one blink. You see, I used to put it this way; the script in movies are always made up.. sometimes they get too exaggerated -- and yes, I used to think those explosions in action films and those cliche romance, are average things that happen in every movie.. and aren't things that they take up from reality (not exactly unlikely to happen in real life but you know when you find those movie-trademark acts).

I used to think of death that way. Death used to be so far from my surrounding up until my grandparents' death and my uncle's lethal sickness. It all becomes so real now. Furthermore, having to hear what had happened to my close friends last night, I take back my theory about movies. So they do apply to real life, like they literally happen, mostly taken from actual happenings.

I begin to believe more that death happens. Anytime God wants it to. How ever you think it probably won't anytime soon. But we have to face the fact, it happens.

The phone call I got last night gave me a sudden shock. They got in an accident. A serious car crash. Come to think of how their car could land upside down, I panicked. All those movie scenes came dashing through my mind (frankly, that was what I had in mind). It's hard for me to say this, but it was a near-death experience. They could've died just like that. So I THANK GOD they're still given the chance to live. I don't know how else I can describe this. I won't feel collected until I see them (which until now I haven't). Until I meet them.

That was one other instance to make me realize life isn't that static after all. Sometimes we do have to go through explosions, saving others life from fire, some corny romance, and typical high school dramas. Even the wildest things could happen to anyone of us. Maybe we are playing in a movie. A movie where we don't know the plot and what happens ahead of us. Have you ever thought of it that way?

Another lesson I've learned is that we have to be thankful for whatever chance we're given. Even the smallest chances. You never know what fate brings. You never now when you'll fall. And most of all, be thankful for the life you're given. No matter how things go wrong.. know there's always someone who goes through worse times, even though there are also a lot of people who seem to own a better life. I tell you, sometimes those people also come across the thought of how they're life isn't the best, they do feel somewhere in the middle too sometimes. I hope you do believe in Nobody's perfect.

Don't waste your tears! Smile while you can. Tell people you love them, while you can. Make your parents proud while you can. Apologize to ones you've hurt while you can. You name it, the list can go on forever. But the one thing that's got to be written is: Enjoy every single second of life... while you can!

Treasure Your Life

1/24/2010 09:11:00 PM

Treasure Your Life

Experience Ideation

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So what's the dilly here? And no, I'm not yet awake. And I so do think that I will be stuck in this hibernation until the end of the school year. Or not even so. Let's put it until I start college. I feel so lost. I think I might have left myself somewhere. I think I might've got stuck somewhere. Where am I, really? Could you remind me again?

This last year of school seems to snatch my life away from me. 12th grade. Meaningful big number. It doesn't matter when, where, or what I do.. the thought of being a 12th grader won't get lost. I'm haunted by the fact that I'm facing the national examination soon and having these few unstable choices on where to go after graduating. Plus having one parent so focused on a certain hard-to-get university and the other suggesting to study abroad. Seriously, it can gradually become some kinda pressure.

No, I'm not stressed. Yet.

It's just irritating how I find myself losing fun and what there actually is to do in a good life. Never mind, that's not the part that bugs me. I still have time to enjoy going to places, hang out, and not give a damn about studying. But everytime I take those chances, they become guilty pleasures. That's what's irritating. It's like I'm instinctively constantly reminded I have to get some work done, and how it would be so much better if I had been studying instead, and how I would regret not using my free time wisely in the near (or not) future. I do hope my hard work will sum up to something that's worth it someday.

I know it's just the start. There' are no frequent tests that I'm facing yet (except for the upcoming mid-semester, which isn't anything frequent). But I'm the kind of person who easily panics. I tell you, that's so uncomfortable. Especially knowing all your weaknesses and worrying about them before you do anything to fix 'em and make yourself stronger. Oh i wish I could just find a way to calm myself. To me, any form of the future just feels so close, and it's like I have so little time to prepare. They come too fast, which makes me want to suck myself back to the past most times.

And here's how my desk looks like, studying goddamn biology. Bio is my favorite subject. But not today. We're dealing with a dreadful chapter. *Eukh*

And this is good friend of mine, meet Math(ew).

PS. Just got myself a Diana F+ and I'm so freakin eager to get the my 1st film developed which is so hard to get the chance -time & place- argh.

So Where Has She Been?

9/29/2009 09:45:00 PM

So Where Has She Been?

Experience

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It was a Tuesday morning. My mom was still in Surabaya. I wasn't fully willing to go to school, cause as always, this head stays as a sleephead, but at 6 am, I arrived at school. Half an hour later the daily melody played (no it wasn't a bell) and first block started; biology. The teacher didn't come to class to teach, but to leave. She gave the class an assignment, which kinda meant free time. So I was sitting there on my stool, wishing my seagreen cardigan were thicker, and didn't dare to move to do the assignment, yet. But I thought if i got it done fast, than i could take little nap after. So I got out a piece of paper and was about to start, but I realized I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do. I found others waiting for the smart kiddos to finish, so that they'll look at those and copy. So I thought I might as well do the same. Hell no I was in no mood.

Soooo as I was waiting, I checked my phone, 2 missed calls from Daddy. This past week I was always frightened to open messages or to pick up calls from a family member. I wanted to avoid receiving the bad news. Anyway, 2 calls from Dad? It must be some important thing. So I texted him and asked why he called.

My phone vibrated. And I opened the message. There.. The bad news I've been unwantingly expected. I couldn't bear to read it more than once. It said that my Grandma (mom's mom) died, and that my dad's going to Surabaya.

Why, could I stand being at school the whole day ? Hell no... I wanted to come too. I've been wanting to go there and meet my grandma. She'd been in the hospital for over a week, and it didn't sound like she was gonna get any better. So I thought I wanted to see her just one last time before she goes. And now look, I wasn't able to do that. That's the saddest part.

My dad says if I wanted to go with, I had to take a taxi home. So I did. Once I got home, I only had time to change, and all my bags were already packed by my sister. So then my dad, my sisters and I took off.

Once we reached Surabaya we took a taxi to my Grandparents'. We were told to go inside the house right away, before getting to do anything else. In the living room, I saw the body. I stepped closer and saw her face, right at that point I felt myself the weakest. I dropped myself and kneeled beside her and burst into tears. I couldn't believe that it was HER laying in front of me. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to say I loved her back enough, oh how I wished I could wake her up. Memories of her flashed through my mind like lightning, just all the things I could remember right that moment. I hurts, yes still hurts as I write this. I've cried when she was still tied to bed in 3 different hospitals, suffering from pain. And now? I still can't believe the worst just happened. Still crying beside her, I held my dad's arm as tight as ever. And they started carrying her to the cemetery, ready for burial. And yes, I had to watch the whole process. It was the first time for me, ever. And in that next moment, I still couldn't believe that it's that dear loving grandmother of mine, who passed away, or at that time, being burried. I spent 3 days in Surabaya. And for the rest of my time there, everytime I start the day, I ask myself again why I was there, and each time I answer myself, I still couldn't believe it. Any of it. But I knew I wasn't dreaming, the things that happened before me were all a part of reality.

Eyang Ti, so I call my grandma, couldn't be anymore caring and loving to all her grandchildren. She was a big lady, if you see what I mean, and she was really huggable to me when I was a little kid. I only come to Surabaya once a year.. well maybe twice.. and everytime I go there my allergies takes over. And she'd give me my medicine, such as eyedrops, weird eardrops and all those weird things. The last couple years she had started walking with a cane, and even so.. everytime I come to her place, she'd generously make food for me, and no, I didn't ask for it.

When my mom calls her from Jakarta, I'd talk to her too. She'd always alwaaays give me advice. She'd always tell me to do good in school, to stay healthy, and my favorite was.. to reach all my academic dreams, and she'd say she knows that I'd get into any major I wanted. When she says things like that, whatever it is I wanted always came true; getting into the highschool I wanted, getting into IPA and a lot more. When I heard her say that right after any pessimistic thoughts I got, I'd feel so positive in anything I was doing, even when it seemed so impossible to me before. But now the most supportive person I've ever known isn't there anymore. Just how broken it makes me feel. Oh yea, even on her birthday, when my mom called. I was supposed to be the one wishing her all the good things, to get well soon and all (I did). But she took over most of the time on the line to wish me the usual things she'd wish on a normal phone call. That just showed how much she really cared, and I feel like I couldn't show as much care and love as I was supposed to.

But thinking positively, this might be better for her, and she might deserve all this, instead of laying in bed with all kinds of illness for yeaaarrss. She can smile til forever now :)

I'll always pray for you grandma, I love you, I'm sorry I never got to show that as much as you've showed me. A fling of regret hits me, but as they say.. regrets in cases like these are useless and meaningless. Rest in peace, Yang! :')

I Saw Warmth Through Those Wrinkles

3/28/2009 02:37:00 PM

I Saw Warmth Through Those Wrinkles

Experience Love

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