Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

Sunday, June 14, 2015






You laid out a smile for the world to see
Hoping it would reach souls sincerely

You stare at unfortunate individuals
Picturing yourself in their shoes and rituals

You observe other beings around you
Guessing and supposing their life issues

You try to tell yourself you’re not alone
But only to find you’re lonely and just lost your throne

The constant battle in your head
The phrases no one actually said

The lack of confidence and the misunderstanding
The blame, the emotions and the self demanding

The negative impressions and the silent yelling
The wrong expectations and the storytelling

It is you, it is all you.
You eat up what you thought you’d be happy with
Like the black lady spider and the say of ancient myth

It is you, it is all you.
No wonder no one understood you and keep walking by
You sit busily thinking so hard, you thought you had tried

No one could see through your skin.
No one will ever let you win.

As long as you contain the war in you,
You’ll stay invisible and blue.

No wonder you’re so angry all the time
No wonder you’re always left behind

Stop feeling so unloved, worthless and worried
For that noun never made sense in all of history

You’ll  be fine.
You’ll meet another kind.
Another Kind
6/14/2015 11:38:00 AM

Another Kind

Thursday, May 14, 2015







Through the looking glass, they watched her. She was broken for a while. Oh, they sure know all the sequence.

It started out in a night so cold, always the perfect medium for an exchanging of words like such; a dialogue of two opposing ideas and impressions. Two that will never blend. Almost like the diversity in rationality between science and religion. Neither parties had a clue of why they even started their story, if only they knew it would eventually end in such a way. But they were both humans. Irrational in some cases. They take a chance on everything. But perhaps they are always forgiven for taking a chance on love. It is the ultimate thing they actually ever live by anyway.

The young lady took a step out of the vehicle. She entered her room to find herself stuck with her wonders and questions until only God knows when. Poor little one. In daytime, she would seek for love and something in contrary with the negative  beliefs and speculations she would run through at the end of the day.  She was hungry for comfort. She was never alone, but would always feel solitude when dawn took place. She would then be impatiently waiting for the day to turn and see the coming daylight. Even though the pressure on her eventually diminished, she knew she would never have her logics as straight as it should until she found the rational answers she wanted.

Up here, they knew she needed a hand. As much as she tried, she still couldn’t find any down there on earth. So out of the two watchers, the one with the highest reign up here sent the other watcher down to get her out of her very own limbo. A place she owns that can only be seen by herself and the ones up here.

+++


She started to feel like someone was always watching her. At the canteen, out on the streets when crossing the road, at places where she hangs out with her fellow humans. The oddness never really bothered her until one day, her eyes met the watcher’s. She would usually look away when getting caught in such situations. But for that one moment, she was willing to study his stare. It was fierce, but it wasn’t mean. He wasn’t smiling, but it was warm. It was sharp, but she felt nothing was cutting through her. It was probably someone she once met, but he was just up to the primary level of acquaintance; never crossed her mind after their one and only encounter.

It turns out he was someone known by one of her close friends. The next thing she knows, introductions and small talks occurred all over again. She thought it was either deja vu, or both of them probably forgot they’ve passed by each other a few times. But he knew it wasn’t anything like that. He had just jumped in the scene, embodied a vague memory, familiar enough to gain her acceptance as someone she’d like to let in. It was really, just for the sake of protecting her and guiding her until she gets it right.

He started doing his job. Day by day, she started feeling that comfort. She felt protection. She started observing the two sides on everything. She discovered that a tremendous wreck could have a side so luxurious and beautiful but is only available to those who wanted to look beyond. She learned what patience really meant. She became an expert in dancing. She started to dance to everything that made her happy. Since everything was in the form of justice, equality, and happiness up here, that was probably the things the watcher instinctively portrayed to her. Because of that, she started noticing one thing she hadn’t seen in a long time. Sincerity. It was always there. There on his face, in his touch and in his words. It shone so bright every time she was with him, that she couldn’t help her curiosity. She wanted more of him. She knew there was something more about him she did not know. She knew he wasn’t the kind to lie, or to hide anything from her, but she felt like there was something she was meant to discover herself.

Little did she know, that curiosity she went through, was the human’s definition of love. Love was curiosity followed by care and the need of giving and receiving comfort. She fell right through without realizing it at first. The watcher couldn’t have known better. But as all the gold he is, he’s never been through the experience. He hadn’t anticipate the danger of coming into their world. He was in confusion. He was either too focused on his mission or… probably got carried away.

The human ways started to affect him. He too, was learning why some worldly things became very enjoyable to the people. He started being curious himself. Her curiosity was contagious, and he sunk into it more every day. Quicksand. He was having fun. She felt less protected but it was fine as long as he was there. All he needed to be was there. But the more he looked like he was learning new things that should be fundamentals, she started assuming that he was not one of her kind. He was something else. Absolutely too good to be alive anywhere around her. He was humanly stupid. But she liked that in some way. Perhaps she liked how he was so different, yet so understanding and so giving, both in terms of compassion and knowledge. She then realized it wasn’t love that took over at the first place. She then realized he was just someone that needed to be there for her, to wake her and shake things off for her to continue a life with true meaning. And she just had to be the one to find him. Out of anybody she could meet, she just had to lock her eyes with his once upon a day. They were brought together for something. But did the other Watcher planned for this to happen? How in the end, he made her very needy of him? How in the end, he had to fall off track and got a taste of her ways of doing? How in the end, they had fallen for the pleasure of friction?

But when they were busy figuring things out for themselves, it was time. The span of duty was on its verge and they let things slip without warning. They were too busy in confusion, that they forgot every living thing is based upon time.  Time start things, ruin things, heal things, and of course, stop things.. even their story. Though she came out of the regimen bold, strong, wiser and more resourceful, she wasn’t prepared for a goodbye. Neither of them were.

Their eyes met for the last time, but right then, she looked away. He kept staring as if trying to suck up memories from her to keep for himself as he never had such experiences. This time, it was fierce and wasn’t quite friendly. He wasn’t smiling, and his eyes were cold and glazy. His stare was sharp, as if he was shooting arrows her way. But as for her, it was good that her eyes remained far from his way, for then she could be beat by those blades.

+++

He didn’t come for no reason. She didn’t want to take all the things he gave to her for granted. So, she started to do as practiced. She let her heart grow big and forgave. She looked beyond the unfavorable matters and tried to smile. She was like the moon who began to  appreciate the presence of the sun and the stars. She was like a child who was eager to touch everything around her. It became her delight to express feelings and ideas. She kept a little piece of grief, but she didn’t let it get in her way. She smiled as she looks at the luxurious side of memories and became grateful.





The March
5/14/2015 06:22:00 PM

The March

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Photobucket


Repeating the words that got tossed to my face..
How they barged in, trying to get to my senses,
But only a few made it there.
With no room for hope but rather enough for suspense
It wasn't getting anywhere

Free falling, shakes and trembles
How I never thought I would see such motions
A surprise for a show of fragility
The air danced in party of bursting emotions
Feeling lifted, carried further from reality
But no, the heart knows that you're actually drawn closer

The sunrise I had in mind hid behind another mountain
That mountain may belong to you, I suppose
For you see much more light on that other side
Speaks of confusion, but showing wills to impose
Knowing you must, but still buried in fright
What did you expect me to do?

Have you come across how my theories work?
In the end, still looking for something to blame
Because I was demanded to obey and believe
What's best based on your previous shame
At all cause neither ways trot to relieve
So what's the use of all this rain?

You know, you want, you think.
They know more, they say they told me so.
I knew nothing. Still knows nothing.
Except for questions and wonders,
asks of plots and aims of the show.

But there's no use to continue the bawl
Poor behavior and mental friction
Creates the idea that came from an oddball
Hence permanent contradiction
Is the reason to approve the fall
But why am I still to whine in distress?

I still know what I want.
I still want what I wanted.
Without thinking what I would really want
Once I wake up to reality

So hurry and shock me
Make me jump out of this armed seat
I'm overwhelmed in defeat
But the buckles are loosened one by one
A little more, then they'll let me run

So I start to brighten as I hold
Preparing for the go
Although everything's still cold
I settle for a good night sleep
Strengthening the will to break this mold
Trying to.. want nothing more to keep
Even for a moment so young, barely deep

Phantom
3/08/2012 09:54:00 AM

Phantom

Tuesday, April 21, 2009



I was looking at pictures of hippopotami. I've been somewhat-obsessed with hippos since 6th grade. Even though I know they're big, fur-less, uncute, and could be harmful. But they're not just big, furless, uncute, harmful animals.. at least I don't see them that way. So I begin to try to recall on how I fell in love with these creatures. Well.. How do you fall in love with anything?

It's late.. but since that question suddenly popped up in my mind, I can't help typing on.

Well you might remember how you fall in love with that something or someone... as in when, what happened before or after you started having the feeling, and so on. But do you exactly remember how? Well as it goes for me, likable things just come unreasonably in a blink without priorly giving me the chance to feel it knocking on the door.

My sisters? I don't know how or why exactly I love them. But all I know.. is I do love them. A lot. And so goes for the rest of the family.

Purple. I don't knooow why I love purple. And maybe by next year, I'd have a different favorite color. Who knows? I used to love red a lot..

Architecture & photography.. or art to be exact. Admit it, you don't know why, but you just adore those lomographs, those paintings hanging on your dentist's walls, those modern weird-looking buildings, or even being proud of the origami your 5-year old sister made.

Maybe some of you highschoolers have thought about your future. What you want to be later on. How do you decide on becoming a doctor? Do you just like suddenly want it that bad?

How about the guy you see in the hallway everyday? How exactly did you fall in love with him? Is it simply just because you've ran into each other once? He helped you with killing math problems? He rocked the stage at the last gig? He kissed you during truth-or-dare? Cause your lockers are next to each other? Or is he just plain charming? Honestly, I know that's about it we can know.. or remember. But what does running into each other really matter, if there aren't any other factors that can actually make you fall? And helping with schoolwork.. he's just trying to show how smart he is, is that why you're blown away? C'mon there must be something else..
Or do you just suddenly fall in love with a stranger.. or back to love at first sight? That's my question.. haha. I'm just curious.

Okay, I'm speaking of the L word again, it bores me too. Who knows, maybe you might also start to wonder why you keep those postcard collections in the first place, why you painted your room blue, and why you asked for that cute baby siberian husky. Why?


Just How Exactly Do You Fall?
4/21/2009 11:59:00 PM

Just How Exactly Do You Fall?

Saturday, March 28, 2009


It was a Tuesday morning. My mom was still in Surabaya. I wasn't fully willing to go to school, cause as always, this head stays as a sleephead, but at 6 am, I arrived at school. Half an hour later the daily melody played (no it wasn't a bell) and first block started; biology. The teacher didn't come to class to teach, but to leave. She gave the class an assignment, which kinda meant free time. So I was sitting there on my stool, wishing my seagreen cardigan were thicker, and didn't dare to move to do the assignment, yet. But I thought if i got it done fast, than i could take little nap after. So I got out a piece of paper and was about to start, but I realized I didn't know exactly what I was supposed to do. I found others waiting for the smart kiddos to finish, so that they'll look at those and copy. So I thought I might as well do the same. Hell no I was in no mood.

Soooo as I was waiting, I checked my phone, 2 missed calls from Daddy. This past week I was always frightened to open messages or to pick up calls from a family member. I wanted to avoid receiving the bad news. Anyway, 2 calls from Dad? It must be some important thing. So I texted him and asked why he called.
My phone vibrated. And I opened the message. There.. The bad news I've been unwantingly expected. I couldn't bear to read it more than once. It said that my Grandma (mom's mom) died, and that my dad's going to Surabaya.
Why, could I stand being at school the whole day ? Hell no... I wanted to come too. I've been wanting to go there and meet my grandma. She'd been in the hospital for over a week, and it didn't sound like she was gonna get any better. So I thought I wanted to see her just one last time before she goes. And now look, I wasn't able to do that. That's the saddest part.
My dad says if I wanted to go with, I had to take a taxi home. So I did. Once I got home, I only had time to change, and all my bags were already packed by my sister. So then my dad, my sisters and I took off.

Once we reached Surabaya we took a taxi to my Grandparents'. We were told to go inside the house right away, before getting to do anything else. In the living room, I saw the body. I stepped closer and saw her face, right at that point I felt myself the weakest. I dropped myself and kneeled beside her and burst into tears. I couldn't believe that it was HER laying in front of me. I never got to say goodbye, I never got to say I loved her back enough, oh how I wished I could wake her up. Memories of her flashed through my mind like lightning, just all the things I could remember right that moment. I hurts, yes still hurts as I write this. I've cried when she was still tied to bed in 3 different hospitals, suffering from pain. And now? I still can't believe the worst just happened. Still crying beside her, I held my dad's arm as tight as ever. And they started carrying her to the cemetery, ready for burial. And yes, I had to watch the whole process. It was the first time for me, ever. And in that next moment, I still couldn't believe that it's that dear loving grandmother of mine, who passed away, or at that time, being burried. I spent 3 days in Surabaya. And for the rest of my time there, everytime I start the day, I ask myself again why I was there, and each time I answer myself, I still couldn't believe it. Any of it. But I knew I wasn't dreaming, the things that happened before me were all a part of reality.

Eyang Ti, so I call my grandma, couldn't be anymore caring and loving to all her grandchildren. She was a big lady, if you see what I mean, and she was really huggable to me when I was a little kid. I only come to Surabaya once a year.. well maybe twice.. and everytime I go there my allergies takes over. And she'd give me my medicine, such as eyedrops, weird eardrops and all those weird things. The last couple years she had started walking with a cane, and even so.. everytime I come to her place, she'd generously make food for me, and no, I didn't ask for it.

When my mom calls her from Jakarta, I'd talk to her too. She'd always alwaaays give me advice. She'd always tell me to do good in school, to stay healthy, and my favorite was.. to reach all my academic dreams, and she'd say she knows that I'd get into any major I wanted. When she says things like that, whatever it is I wanted always came true; getting into the highschool I wanted, getting into IPA and a lot more. When I heard her say that right after any pessimistic thoughts I got, I'd feel so positive in anything I was doing, even when it seemed so impossible to me before. But now the most supportive person I've ever known isn't there anymore. Just how broken it makes me feel. Oh yea, even on her birthday, when my mom called. I was supposed to be the one wishing her all the good things, to get well soon and all (I did). But she took over most of the time on the line to wish me the usual things she'd wish on a normal phone call. That just showed how much she really cared, and I feel like I couldn't show as much care and love as I was supposed to.

But thinking positively, this might be better for her, and she might deserve all this, instead of laying in bed with all kinds of illness for yeaaarrss. She can smile til forever now :)

I'll always pray for you grandma, I love you, I'm sorry I never got to show that as much as you've showed me. A fling of regret hits me, but as they say.. regrets in cases like these are useless and meaningless. Rest in peace, Yang! :')

I Saw Warmth Through Those Wrinkles
3/28/2009 02:37:00 PM

I Saw Warmth Through Those Wrinkles

Monday, February 23, 2009


Another post. My goals for today weren't fulfilled. Argh... I'm just not in the mood. I wish time could be extended, and it can go however i like it to go.. but it's reality maaaa'am.. and I'm getting tired of it. Today, writing my thoughts down seem to be the best way to let it all out. Writing... err typing. I don't wanna do anything else. Because today... I've discovered something. Yes another one of those things that won't stop rolling around my head. What the hell are you???? Let's say it's some object. Let's call it J. I don't know what it wants. I've been trying to figure it out for months and months.. but noooooo answer has come to me. Or maybe just when I thought I could make some theories on it... the next day things prove it wrong. The day after that, things begin to strenghten the theories I had 2 days before. The next, somehow my theories ought to be wrong. And it keeps going on like that over and over through the week, months... please don't let it reach a year. I wanna know what J wants and what J has in mind all this time. I'm tired of waiting for an explanation. Jeesh.. it's disturbing.

Other than that. I've discovered something else. It's a bit corny and stale though. I feel so loved lately. Haha. And I needed that for times like these. I'm tired of regular days that's been flipping through my life. Thinking through the same thoughts each day, related to the paragraph above. With friends or even people I know least in view, I feel so shielded.. nah that's not it... err.. fenced in by people who could think of me, who cares to make me laugh, and just to start a conversation when there's just nothing else to keep my mind distracted, once again, from things I've mentioned in the paragraph before.

To feel loved, I need to love. And that's what I've been trying to do to my friends. I try to be more patient to all and to forgive easily. Has it shown yet? I wanna treasure what the present has for me, because I recall I've cried about having this in days long ago. God listens, you know.

And one more thing. I need to control myseeeeeelf! I'm going too over on everything. When I get moody and pissed, I'd get too quiet and that keeps making people ask what's going on, when it's not that bad at all.. which means I normally go too hyper which isn't good either. I realize I can't stay somewhere in the middle.. and I want to. I want to be the someone that I'd like if I were someone else. Or... hmm how should I put it. I'd like to have in me the things I'd like to see in someone else. Get it? You better. So I don't care if they like it or not, I must like it myself first to apply it. That goes for every part of me. What I am, things I like, and things I say. It's gotta be like that from now on.

Of course, people have inspirations... but that doesn't mean it makes you be exactly like it is. It's just one of the pieces that help build you. Aside from friends which are your surroundings. Who your friends are affect you, I believe that. So I don't want to have friends from just one kind of circle, cause I don't want to be categorized absolutely. To me, having friends from different sides and edges, can construct and influence a... "me" for a whole new me, that you can't classify to any circle existed. I like to connect to different kinds of surroundings. Then I'd have different discussions, thoughts, and feelings over different ideas. That makes me happy. Varieties keep my thoughts and creativity going. So now's when you get the idea of "me". And do I have inspirations and muses? Plenty.


I know i'm alone if i'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And i call you and say "c'mere!"

And it's bad news, baby i'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

This has been spinning in my head for over a week now... yay Rilo Kiley!

Define Recent Ideation
2/23/2009 07:37:00 PM

Define Recent Ideation